When Pigs Fly
When pigs fly it is said that one ought not to touch
one’s wife’s elbow. One must refrain from
smelling apples and thinking of opera. When pigs fly,
blue is registered by the eye as yellow, etc.
Do not lick postage stamps when pigs fly.
Do not lace your shoes. It is forbidden to be nostalgic
for the days when you were small enough to sit upon
your grandfather’s lap and sniff his beard.
When pigs fly the stars do not align, and drawers
which have never moved will suddenly become
unstuck. Forks must not be used when pigs fly.
Neither agree or disagree with arguments made by children.
If one swears an oath when the pigs fly, it will never
come true. Turn all paintings towards the wall
when pigs fly. Do not look at the sky.
I repeat: do not look at the sky.
When pigs fly, you are temporarily released
from all obligations made to childhood friends
when standing in water. When pigs fly you must
refer to them as “pork birds,” for this is the term
they prefer. The birds will refer to themselves as “fish”
and the fish shall call themselves “Enrico.”
Those named Enrico will refrain from whispering
for the duration of the pig’s flight. When pigs fly
you will forget everything you remembered
about calculus, and if you know nothing of calculus,
you’ll be none the wiser. When pigs fly you will understand
wonder, and peaches, and motorcycles, and snow.
McCall's Book of Marvellous Meats, The McCall Corporation, 1965