Roast Opossum

When the apocalypse happens, and it surely will, your local supermarket’s meats case will empty pretty quickly as folks rush in a belated attempt to stock up on goods for their Apocalypse Cellars. Because these folks are very tactical, they will already have prepared for this eventuality by putting aside multi-packs of batteries, tinned goods, bottled water, ramen noodles, candles, matches, playing cards, and enough guns and ammo to ensure that any remaining humans are swiftly dispatched. All they will need to live the good life and re-emerge into a barren post-apocalyptic wasteland is fresh meat. Some they will consume immediately, and some they will hang from the rafters in a misguided attempt to make jerky.

The Opossum

What will the rest of us do when we turn up to find the shelves and freezer cases empty? What will we do for protein as we wait our turn in the enormous queue that will form to sort out who goes into which afterlife?

We will look to our Hillbilly cousins for inspiration and kick-it old school. We will trap vermin and make a tasty dinner of it. We will treat the lacerations it inflicts with Neosporin and Band Aids. We will take all of our antibiotics. We will learn to enjoy “peculiar” flavors and avoid looking at the opossum’s snarling singed face and tail as we tuck in. We will search about in the entrails for the liver which is the central ingredient in Opossum Stuffing. We will be sure to remove the skewers and / or stitches before serving. We will invite all of our condemned neighbors over because there will be enough for ten.

Bring it on, bitches! Bring it on!

Cooking for Young Homemakers, Culinary Arts Institute, 1964

Also from this book: Fried Brains, Fried and Baked, Crown Roast of Frankfurters, Rudolph the Red Nosed Pot Roast