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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

One Potato, Two Potatoes …




— Darling! Hark! Look — I am returned from the market, having bartered with a merchant there for these delicious-looking but mysterious tubers!

— Oh Geoffrey — that’s wonderful news. All I had for dinner was this cauliflower, some asparagus, and a few mushrooms from the patch by the privy.

— Aren’t they magnificent!

— Yes! They look exactly like earthen stones! What did they cost you, husband?

— Edward, the youngest. You’re always complaining about him hanging around.

— Oh, good. Less mouths to feed! Perhaps he will enjoy a better life as a deckhand on some ocean-going vessel and see the world.

— Perhaps he will go to the fabled place where these lumps are grown! What a blessed place that must be!

— I will serve them with my special wooden spoon. Be a dear and rend them open with your axe, will you?

— Why certainly, my beloved. Oh, to live a life on the seas! Swabbing the decks and swaying with the ship! The tropics! Imagine the diseases! I wonder if we shall ever see him again.

— Probably not. Like as not he’ll drown within a month.

— So I’m excited about these spuds. Do you think you’re supposed to cook them or eat them raw?

— How are you serving the rest?

— Raw. I didn’t have time to gather kindling.

— Uncooked it is then, my Sweet. Can’t wait. I’m going to toss a rock around with Ulric.

— Careful, Geoffrey! You remember what happened last time!

— Poor Freddie. He would have made a good seafarer, that boy.

Microwave Miracles,  Hyla O’Connor


Also from this book: Iron Feng, All Wrapped Up, 1982, Circumcised Apples

Monday, April 30, 2012

Date Bombs




In case you ever wondered where the Chatroulette cycle would lead, it’s here. In order to protect yourself, good questions to ask your date might be the following:

  • Have you recently purchased a large freezer?

  • Hunting, you say?
  •  
  • How many kitchen knives do you own?
  •  
  • Do you have experience with chainsaws?
  •  
  • Oh yes? Doing what?
  •  
  • How long do your dates usually last?
  •  
  • Up to six months if properly treated?
  •  
  • How do you treat your dates?
  •  
  • Butter them up how?
  •  
  • Is “Yum” your usual response to a pretty woman?
  •  
  • No? “Tasty” is?


If the answers do not satisfy you, consider the date a bomb — before you get roughaged up.

Backpacker’s Cookbook, Margaret Cross and Jean Fiske, 1974

Also from this book: What A Jerk! 

Friday, April 27, 2012

Darwinian




Margeurite Patten, OBE, CBE, has sold 17 million copies of her 170 books, which makes her an astonishingly prolific bestselling author. And yet, she came up with dishes like these Darwin Steaks.

Interestingly, the city of Darwin is located in Australia’s Top End, which is also the name for the part of the animal the top end cut comes from. It’s called top end because it’s at the top and it’s the best bit. Australians might have you believe this too. It would be a crime to mince a really good bit of top end steak for this recipe. The city was named for Charles Darwin, of the Origin of Species fame, because the ship he had sailed on, The Beagle, put ashore there. In those days, it was considered the right thing to do to name a spot after illustrious members of your crew. On general knowledge tests, when asked what The Beagle was, people say “a dog.” This is because people have no love for nautical history. Charles Darwin loved earthworms best of all, and his wife (who was also his first cousin), bore him ten children. Whenever one of them got sick he would fret that it was due to genetic weakness caused by marrying your first cousin. The fittest, however, survived.

Margeurite Patten’s All-Colour Book Of Freezing, 1975

Also from this book: Cheesy Fish

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Brains and Bacon




Disproving the adage that “bacon makes anything better.”

Somehow, the chopped parsley sprinkles don’t seem sufficient to the task of leading you to believe you’re not about to cut into brains cooked in a watery white sauce. Bacon notwithstanding.

The ‘Pyrex’ Book of Regional Cookery, Diana Cameron-Shea, 1977

Also from this book: Have a Heart

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Purple Haze




In 1980, food styling wasn’t so much about the food as it was about composition.

This picture was made at the juncture between the prop-heavy 1970s (following the formula exactly: plated food, raw version of the main ingredient, cruet set and flowers) and the intense close-up of the 1980s (hinted at here in the glistening sharpness of the eggplant stuffing and water bespeckled irises).

This stylist has gone for a purple theme, presumably to match the eggplant, though the use of a sprig of baby’s breath to echo the moistness of the dish below it might be merely accidental.

Budget Saving Meals Cookbook, Donna M. Paananen, 1980

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

All Fired Up




What do you mean you’ve brought a gas grill and dinner’s ready? I’ve spent all day building this enormous fire! I had to cut down half the forest to collect the wood for it and I nearly lost the use of my arms trying to light it using the skills I learned in the Boy Scouts. I would say I’ve done a rather successful job, wouldn’t you? This beast will burn for days! Long after we’ve gone back to the city this sucker will be going strong! You can’t very well toast marshmallows over a gas grill, can you? You could roast an ox on this thing. Spaghetti? That’s not camping food! I was going to actually slay an ox! What is the point of coming out here at all if it isn’t to go back to nature and live as our ancestors did? Pass me a cigarette. This really ticks me off. Let’s take a vote: who’s hungry? Who would rather have some delicious freshly killed ox? It would be worth waiting for. Anyone?

Easy Skillet Meals, Better Homes and Gardens, 1972

Also from this book: Frying Tonight

Monday, April 23, 2012

A Fork In The Road




What makes a fork a fork?

In the 1970s, cutlery designers decided to play with this idea and push it to its limits. At its core, a fork had to have some hint of tines (the spiked bits at the end used for spearing food) and a handle — but apart from that, it was up for grabs. Sometimes forks looked more like pickle spears, with only two or three sharp tines; at others, they were more like spoons, with exaggerated bowls tipped with a jagged edge. Handles, too, were re-defined — either as flat blades or twig-like stalks. A lot of the time, money was saved and color introduced by making handles out of melamine or plastic. It was a confusing time for cutlery.

It was a confusing time for most everything. The sudden desire to re-invent what things looked like and how they functioned extended to just about everything from clothing to architecture. The results can be easily identified today because they have not stood the test of time all that well. This is what happens when you try to fix what ain’t broke — like the design and function of something that time has honed and proved worthwhile — like the basic design of a fork, for example.

It wasn’t until quite recently — the 1800s — that people started using forks rather than the pointed, grabby instruments God gave them, their hands. Cutlers — people who forged blades and cutlery — have been around a lot longer. A cutler was listed on a 1297 tax form in Sheffield, the city that was to become the crucible of the cutlery industry due to its focus on steelmaking and silver plating.


Metal is a good material for a fork. It retains its shape after much use, and retains heat from both the hand and hot food. It is slightly heavy, requiring a practiced dexterity in keeping with its counterpart, the knife. A well-designed fork had a slightly squared handle and flared end, so that it may be securely flipped over to scoop or prod, and sat firmly in the hand. The business end featured four long, curved tines that allowed for deep food penetration as well as handling sauces such that they didn’t pool, or drip through. The proportion of tine to bowl allowed for the lips and tongue to easily remove the food with grace. Importantly, the fork had a pleasing balance if rested on a finger at its crux.

The fork is the most intimate of ergonomically designed instruments — it is meant for the mouth and hand. It is an extension of both the hand and teeth. What happens when a fork drastically changes shape is that it slips from the hand or stabs your lips. It must be handled differently to manage the food.

One of the great chicken-or-egg questions concerning cutlery is whether changes in its design caused food to change, or vice-versa. What is clear is that the kinds of foods people eat today do not require the forks of yesteryear. There is less solid meat to hold in place and cut. People use the side of a fork as a knife because they can; food is softer. The fork’s bowl is larger because more food needs to be scooped.


The apotheosis of the fork’s sad tale ends in the plastic spork, an object whose utter utility transcends its potential beauty. Sporks can be found in school lunch rooms, and are often the only piece of cutlery a child will encounter there, or anywhere else. Often, someone can go for weeks at a time without handling any cutlery at all, because a great deal of the modern diet consists of finger foods — burgers, fries, individual-sized packages and squeezable pouches.

This is not a sign of modernity, but of history. We have returned to the pre-1800s and don’t even know it.

Food Processor Cook Book, Better Homes and Gardens, 1979

Friday, April 20, 2012

420 Roaches





Dude #1: Dude

Dude #2: Yah

Dude #1: You’ll never guess what I found

Dude #2: What

Dude #1: A recipe for roaches, man

Dude #2: That’s wild man

Dude #1: Yeah

Dude #2: Like, cockroaches?

Dude #1: Nah, roaches.

Dude #2: We’re set, man! Never go hungry again, man!

Dude #1: Dude

Dude #2: Yeah

Dude #1: Your hair’s on fire man

Dude #2: Again?

The Cooks and Confectioner’s Dictionary, John Nott, 1773

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Bizarre Salad Bazaar




Here’s a list of what not to do to improve a salad.


Give a banana even more surface area with which to react to the air and turn brown by scoring it with a fork.


Mix dark, bitter salad leaves in with your sweet, light leaves, which will confuse people, thinking that some of your salad has started to rot.


Yum — salty onion juice scrapings!


Bananas are very sweet. Olives are not. Do not mix bananas with olives.


Raw cranberries are best cooked.


Everybody loves the surprise of finding bits of grated walnut between their teeth, or under their dentures, especially those with nut allergies. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a bunch of those walnuts whose shells have not come all the way off, providing the extra pleasure of rock-hard granules for added texture.


Do not serve “salad desserts,” even when you want to make your dinner gay.


Many a finger was lost to the careless carving of radish roses.


If your salad looks a bit lackluster, you can easily give it the high-calorie touch by adding nuts and candied fruit.

Banana Salad Bazaar, Meloripe Fruit Company

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Pigeon à la Française




First of all, the French would not use anything as common as a pigeon. A pigeon is too large, too uncouth and too urban a wingéd thing for the French to consider it worthy of eating. It is too grey. It’s song is not beautiful. For pigeon, substitute doves. Doves are prettier than their avian cousins and are the subject of poetry. A Frenchman would prefer to ingest a bird associated with love rather than one which besmirches architecture with its excrement.

Second, the French would not waste a brace of doves by subjecting them to the ignobility of being baked inside a pie, like blackbirds or some hideous piece of game which has been mutilated by an ill-trained hunting dog or blown to bits with a gun. A French goodwife would pluck and roast the doves whole, so that their form may be appreciated by those at table. The French consider the humble pie a culinary gunny-sack, meant merely as a crude container to hide whatever lies within. The average Frenchman has laughed for at least 300 years at the English because of their penchant for pie.

Thirdly, a person of true Gallic blood would rather spill it than use a recipe as a guide to any performance in the kitchen. The French are born with the complete Gastronomique already encoded in their brains the way the English are born with a full set of adult teeth already grossly misshapen buried in their gums. The French reserve the act of reading for noble pursuits such as those afforded by the civil service, whose complex bureaucracy provides all the reading material a man could ever need.

Fourthly, none of these words is in French, rendering it null and void.

Fifthly, this recipe makes no allowance for wine at any point during the preparation, execution or consummation of this dish, and it is therefore an affront to a Frenchman’s palate. The absence of alcohol is a clear sign that this recipe is detrimental to the health of the diner, and therefore very likely poisonous. In a related observation, the recipe ends with pouring some “white thickening sauce” into the pie before serving. There is no mention of enjoying a cigarette before or after serving.

Sixthly, there is no such thing as “white thickening sauce.” The pantheon of exulted chefs de cuisine have long established the basic sauces, and all of them have names. Indeed, no chef worth his whites could possibly get through the first month of culinary school without having committed these sauces to memory through the processes of repetition designed to break a human being’s spirit and thus render him fit for the service line.

Seventhly, “Stew-pan”? “Pye-pan”? Are these akin to “bed-pan”? The French have no such instruments of cookery.

Eighthly, the French Way is not to ruin a perfectly good afternoon which could be spent insulting English tourists at cafés and making love with other people’s spouses by laboring over a complicated dish involving doves and artichokes and veal sweetbreads and the like. The French Way is to have someone else do it and pay them for it.

Ninthly, On the menu it would be listed as Doves A La Mode d’Imbicile Anglais or the like, not “Pigeon Pie.”

Tenthly, a French person would rather order the Bifsteak aux Frites, Merci.

The Cook’s and Confectioner’s Dictionary, John Nott, 1773

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