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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

All Wrapped Up




Guess what we did in gym class today.

Gym?

No! We did “sexed.”

You sexted people?

What?

Never mind. Oh — you mean Sex Ed. Two words.

It was weird.

Yeah. What did they tell you?

We learned all about prophylactics.

You did, huh?

I have no clue what that is.

It’s from the Greek, prophylaktikos, meaning precautionary. It was used in the 1570s to refer to something that wards off disease. You use a prophylactic if you’re being cautionary.

Wow. You’re pretty smart for an 8th grader. You know everything! I wish our teacher had put it that way.

How did he put it?

He did a trick with a banana and a balloon. He kept saying we had to “pinch the tip,” but I don’t know what he was referring to.

Condoms.

What’s that?

A prophylactic. You use them if you don’t want to get a girl pregnant or catch a disease.

I’m confused. You eat bananas if you don’t want to have a baby?

No — you use a condom and pinch the tip.

Why do you have to pinch the tip?

When you — you know. Finish.

Oh…right, right. I know what you mean. I already do that.

What?

I pinch the tip. You know, to finish. Don’t you? Doesn’t everyone?

Er — whatev.

I’m still confused about something though. The teacher said if we don’t get the banana example, we should think of a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper. Then he made a joke about buns and “enjoying them with relish.”

Dude — your teacher sucks.

No — he doesn’t. He specifically said he doesn’t suck. I have no idea what he meant, but he said he wanted to make that very clear from the start.

Clarity seems to be his specialty.

I don’t know who she is, but he said something else was — it began with a C too — a foreign sounding word. What do you think he meant?

Never mind, young Paduan, never mind.

Microwave Miracles, Hyla O’Connor


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