Wheel of Fortune

 

Welcome to Wheel of Fortune! 

 

Pat: Today we have Sandra, who’s from Milwaukee. How are you, Sandra?

Sandra: I’m just dandy, Pat!

Pat: You look like you know your food, Sandra, am I right? 

Sandra: Been eating it all my life, Pat! 

Pat: Sandra, are you ready to play? 

Sandra: I was born ready, Pat! 

Pat: Now, as you know, this special version of the game means you have to correctly name this dish to win the prize, based solely on a picture of the dish. 

Sandra: Gotcha!

Pat: Excellent! OK, Vanna, show us the picture, please. It’s a Hurry Up Main Dish, Sandra! 

Sandra: Oh! I think I know! 

Pat: Already! Wow! I’m impressed!

Sandra: I have four kids and a hungry man, Pat. 

Pat: Say no more! Vanna, will you show us the number of letters in the dish?

 

_{— — — —     — — — —     — — — —}   

 

Sandra: (Spins wheel) I see eggs there, Pat. Is one of the words EGGS?

Pat: Oooh, it’s not! Nice try, Sandra. Spin again!  

Sandra: (Spins wheel) Hmm. So there’s also bacon, and onions, and what looks like chopped peanuts. How about NUTS? 

Pat: Nope! No nuts! 

Sandra: (Spins wheel) There are different textures. One looks like jelly. Oh! I bet one of the words is BOWL!

Pat: Are you sure? That’s a very good guess, wouldn’t you say, Vanna? She’s nodding! But no! It’s not BOWL. Sorry.

Sandra: Well, now I’m stumped, Pat! I’m sure I’ve served this before! I’ll have to buy a clue! 

Pat: The middle word is WITH.

Sandra: Oh. That doesn’t help much. What’s that object in the middle? A kumquat? 

Pat: Why, yes, it’s a kumquat. You sure do know your citrus fruits, Sandra!

Sandra: I’m going to take a wild guess here, Pat. I’m going out on a limb. 

Pat: Any why not? Might as well! 

Sandra: I bet it’s something you need a variety of, like toppings. They look like toppings to me. 

Pat: I think you’re on to something, Sandra!

Sandra: Toppings you’d put on a cracker? That’s a “Hurry up dish!” 

Pat: I see where you’re going with this…. But remember, once you take a guess at the whole name, you have no more chances. Are you sure you want to go for it? 

Sandra: Yes! I’m sure! Is it BITS WITH RITZ?

Pat: …I’m afraid not. I like your style. You were soooo close, wasn’t she, Vanna? 

Vanna: She sure was, Pat.

Pat: Let’s reveal the name for this “Hurry Up Main Dish” Vanna! 

Vanna: (turns letters)

 

TUNA WITH RICE

 

Sandra: What?

Pat: And that concludes today’s game. Thanks for playing, Sandra, you’ve been a great sport. Join us tomorrow, folks, for another game of Wheel of Fortune! 

Tuna With Rice

The Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library, 1971

Life’s a Bitch

An interview with the late Leona Helmsley’s dog, Trouble. Trouble, a Maltese, has recently inherited $12 million in the convicted hotelier’s will.

Q: So how does it feel to be the richest dog in America?

T: It’s OK, I guess.

Q: How has having $12 million changed your life?

T: It hasn’t, really. I’m a dog. I don’t have extravagant tastes.

Q: Were you aware that two of Mrs. Helmsley’s own grandchildren were given nothing?

T: I heard about it, yes. It was all over the news. I feel very badly for them — they lost their grandmother in the prime of her life.

Q: She was 87.

T: Exactly. She had so much to live for.

Q: Do you have any knowledge about why they might have been disinherited so cruelly?

T: It had something to do with not naming their children after Harry.

Q: Harry Helmsley, Mrs. Helmsley’s late husband? Her third husband?

T: Yes. Of course, he was not actually related to the grandchildren in question.

Q: Well, how could they be expected to do that?

T: That’s nothing. The other two have been required to visit his grave every calendar year in order to get their money.

Q: What was it like to live with such a despotic woman?

T: Look: my life has been, and will continue to be, exceptionally comfortable. I have no complaints.

Q: Not one?

T: Well, maybe one. The food’s undergone a vast improvement. Nowadays I get a bowl of Also, which I like. Most dogs do. It’s tasty. Day in, day out, I don’t mind it. But before, she insisted her chef made me this dish — literally, the dish was edible.

Q: How odd!

T: Yeah, it looked like your regular dog bowl, right, but it was green and made out of some molded lime gelatin with iceberg lettuce and onions all embedded in it.

Q: Wow.

T: And in the middle was always something fancy like tuna salad or beef tips, but all dolled-up. Honestly, I could have used a bone every now and then. I’m a dog, you know? And she’d stand there expecting me to eat it, like she’d done me some big f*cking favor. Sorry, I don’t usually use bad language.

Q: That’s OK. You were under duress.

T: Despite my name, I’m no trouble. I’m pretty laid back. I used to bite people, but I’ve stopped that now. There’s no need. We used to have this running joke: “you’re the bitch,” “No, you’re the bitch.” It wasn’t very funny, but I played along.

Q: Certainly. Are you aware that Mrs. Helmsley has asked that you be buried with her when you die?

T: Ain’t gonna happen. I had my lawyer already look in to it. In the State of New York, you are not allowed to inter animals with people. I dodged that bullet. I’m going to be cremated instead. No muss, no fuss.

Q: Thank you for your time, Trouble. And best of luck for the future.

T: Sure thing.

(Note: Trouble’s inheritance was later reduced to $2 million, the remainder going in part to Leona Helmsley’s two disinherited grandchildren. She lived to be 12 years old and was, indeed, cremated.)

Eat and Stay Slim, Better Homes and Gardens, 1968

Also from this book: Liquid Diet

Down The Hatch!

Introducing the perfect set of chinaware for couples who don’t have the space to store actual plates and bowls! And who does, nowadays? All you really need is a set of wine glasses — after all, you can’t drink out of a saucer. Clean up’s a breeze when all of your dinnerware is the same shape!

Don’t worry if you have company — your guests are sure to recognize that what’s in their glasses are solids, not liquids. Give them a fork so they can dig in! Because glasses are transparent, guests can easily see what they are eating, especially if you put the garnish underneath, rather than on top, of the dish.

If you, too, are tired of endless prawn cocktail, try tuna instead. It’s all pink, so no-one will know the difference.

And we all know that minerals are an important part of your everyday diet. This recipe ensures that you get even more of your daily dose of both mercury (in the tuna) and lead (leached from the glass) than the government recommends!

Spectator Publications, Ltd.