Santamas

If you think that Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of baby Jesus, you’re wrong. It’s all about Santa, and how many gifts he’s going to drop down your chimney. So instead of artfully arranging a quaint and highly unrealistic nativity scene featuring a lowly stable, the Holy family, some inquisitive animals and the Three Wise Men, get up to speed with Santamas and make an edible Santa’s Workshop instead. Let’s face it: the miracle of the season is how on Earth an old fella at the North Pole can determine if you’ve been naughty or nice all year, and select a gift especially for you that is made by elves. Elves, people.

In case you become suspicious about the substance of this glorious diorama, please be assured that the figures are made entirely of piped frosting.

Christmas!, Wilton Enterprises, 1992

Also from this book: Our Father (Christmas) Who Art in Heaven

Gingerbread House

Dear Residents of No. 33:

Several of your neighbors have reported that there is a large tuft of cotton wool protruding from your chimney. Please note that this constitutes a severe fire hazard because cotton wool is highly flammable. Should you forget that there is a giant ball of cotton wool stuck in your chimney, and you light a fire, this will result in a highly traumatic event for your house. Additionally, chances are high that tufts of burning cotton wool would float away from your chimney and settle on your neighbor’s houses, setting them on fire too.

It occurs to us that you may have pushed the cotton wool into your chimney to provide a soft landing place for Santa. We feel it is our responsibility to inform you that Santa does not, in fact, exist. This is a myth perpetuated for the enjoyment of children.

We also respectfully request that you remove the peppermint candies from your front path, as the United States Postal Service has complained about sticky feet.

Please know that we do not mean to be “party poopers” and only wish the best for your family this holiday season. That being said, if the cotton wool is not removed by the end of the day, we shall be forced to remove it ourselves, at great cost to yourselves, and risk arrest.

Merry Christmas,

Your Fire Department

All Holiday Menus, Barbara Grunes, Ideals Publishing Corp., 1984