Elemental, dear Watson

Sad, sad enlightened fruit

At the top of many pages in the Earth Water Fire Air cookbook appears an item on a suggested reading list. Here’s the first thing on it: TRIPURA RAHASYA (THE MYSTERY BEYONG THE TRINITY) by Sri Munagala S. Venkataramaiah.

If you think that was the biggest mouthful this book will serve up, you’re wrong. The actual recipes require some heavy-duty chewing. This suggested reading graces a page featuring an “Exotic Green Walnut Salad.” It consists of walnuts, grape juice, and shallots.

The illustrations won’t lighten your mood any either — they’re as cheerful as the one on the cover, only in black and white. The whole fruits and vegetables they portray are bruised, pockmarked, imperfect specimens which sit there in the half light resigned to their fate. They will be eaten soon.

Far out, man.

Earth Air Fire Water, Barbara Friedlander, Collier Books, 1972

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Fire!

— Marie-Antoine!

— Oui?

— Regardez-vous these appetizers. What do you think?

— They look like merde. Of what are they made?

— Butter, curry powder, chopped onion, chicken livers, walnuts, parsley, brandy.

— They are an atrocity. They are an insult to la cuisine Française. Remove them from my sight and throw out the pan you made them in while you’re at it.

— But Chef!

— What? I’m busy.

— I thought they would be perfect for tonight’s banquet.

— And why is this?

— We are cooking for the British. I thought…

— Aha. I see where you are going with this. Bring them back! Let me see them again. They are grievous to me. You set them alight, non?

— Oui, Chef.

— This is appropriate. It is a dish from the bowels of Hell.

— What shall we call them, Chef? Boules de feu de pâte de noix… Terrine des noyes boules en feu… Allumettes des Noix enfer….

— We shall call them what they are: Flaming Walnut Pate Balls.

— But Chef! En Anglais?

— Oui. The British will think we are honoring them. It was your idea, the curry powder?

— Oui, Chef.

— Tres bon, mon petit souris. Tres bon.

 June Roth's Fast and Fancy Cookbook, Fawcett Publications, Inc., 1969