Sunday, October 9, 2011

Teddy Bear’s Picnic

If you go out in the woods today

You're sure of a big surprise.

If you go out in the woods today

You'd better go in disguise.

For every bear that ever there was

Will gather there for certain, because

Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

BEAR ONE: Easy does it…easy does it…
BEAR TWO: Shhhh! They’ll hear us!
BEAR ONE:  (whispering) They are too stupid to hear us. Also, they have a primitive sense of smell.
BEAR TWO:  I’ll go for the steaks on the left, you take the ones on the right.
BEAR ONE:  Do you want any salad?
BEAR ONE:  Golly, each of these things must weigh 4 lbs! It always amazes me how humans can eat so much yet stay so thin.
BEAR TWO:  It’s not like they have to hibernate either!
BEAR ONE:  I know! madness!
BEAR TWO:  Hey — did you notice they put out butter knives?
BEAR ONE:  Good luck, people! Idiots.
BEAR TWO:  They’re in for a nasty surprise when they sit down to dinner!
BEAR ONE:  People never learn.
BEAR TWO:  I can’t wait to tell the guys back at the den about this lot.
BEAR ONE:  Last night when I was scoping this site out I found their recipe book, did I tell you that?
BEAR TWO:  No, go on. This should be a laugh.
BEAR ONE:  No shit. It was open to a page on “Campfire Cookery.” It read “Since fire was first discovered, man has cooked his food over an open fire.”
BEAR TWO:  Are you serious?
BEAR ONE:  Swear to God.
BEAR TWO:  Who writes that nonsense? It doesn’t even make sense.
BEAR ONE:  I know! As if man could have cooked over an open fire before it was discovered!
BEAR TWO:  All fire is “open.” It makes you wonder, doesn’t it, how humans could have come this far.
BEAR ONE:  It blows your mind. Man, that was good steak. I’m full.
BEAR TWO:  You have that glazed look about you.
BEAR ONE:  I could still go for some berries though. I like a bit of something sweet after a meal. Besides, it’s October — the Missus says I have to put on more weight.
BEAR TWO:  Is she knocked up yet?
BEAR ONE:  I bloody well hope so — it’s been nothing but mating all autumn. I’m exhausted!
BEAR TWO:  They get insatiable.
BEAR ONE:  And then they don’t let you anywhere near them in the Spring! It’s so unfair.
BEAR ONE:  Tell me about it.

           Encyclopedia of Cooking 3, Bro to Cau, Better Homes and Gardens, 1970

           Also from this book: Seafoam Cantaloupe Pie, Cooking By EncyclopediaIt’s A Green, Green, Green, Green World

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