Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A Cure For Cancer

Good News! The cure for cancer has been found!

Seeing as a cure was published over 250 years ago, it begs the question: why has the medical establishment been pretending all this time to be working on that very same goal? Answer: the Crustacean Lobby.

Do you really think crabs would just sit back and let themselves be hunted into extinction for the sake of curing cancer? No! Believe me, as soon as word got out about these recipes featuring powdered crab’s claws, and crab eyes they mobilized by organizing Races Against the Cure from one end of the beach to the other.

It was fortunate for them they already had a public relations claw, though to be fair, its campaign against a common name for pubic lice has not gained much ground, and a great deal of energy has been expended in the splintering off of the Lobster contingent, who wanted to devote essential funds towards picketing a famous national restaurant chain.

 A spokes-crab had this to say: “We blame the Babylonians. If they hadn’t named a perfectly innocuous group of stars after us in their damnable zodiac, we would never have been targeted as a cure for cancer. While we sympathize with humans who suffer from this awful disease, we really wish you’d find some other way to rid yourselves of it.”

“Off the record,” he added in hushed tones, “Lobsters would make a pretty good substitute.”

The Compleat Housewife, Eliza Smith, 1742

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