Insouciance

Got company coming over? A ladies luncheon or coffee morning? Or a date with your mother-in-law? Perhaps you’ve invited the new neighbors over to introduce yourself.

Should you be compelled to entertain, but find that for whatever reason, you just don’t give a f*ck, then this is the perfect thing to serve. It says “I went to the trouble, but didn’t trouble myself too much.” It’s semi-homemade in a way that signals you’re a busy woman who wants to keep up appearances, but hasn’t got time to appear to keep them up. A dessert such as this acknowledges that you like tradition in the kitchen and fashion in the dining room. It says “I understand the fundamentals but like to throw them together according to my mood.”

Whatever message it sends, it’s sure to please the unfortunates among your crowd who will feel encouraged to gorge now and purge later, or perhaps to decline to indulge themselves at all in order to maintain their figures. You can go ahead and give it a fancy French name. No-one will know what it means. 

Dessert Cook Book, Better Homes and Gardens, 1960

Mockery

Few foodstuffs are more simple than cream; all you need is a cow. OK, a lactating cow. And a pail. And a stool.

But because human beings like to make things complicated, they have tried to re-invent cream, which will displease their gods for the gods like to think that everything they make is perfect.

Thus it is that human beings get smited by lightning and rabid dogs and typhoons and such. In order to guard against these punishments, the humans pray no-one will see them making such monstrosities as Mock Cream in their kitchens. We also do not know what “short weight” is: aren’t these things standardized? Furthermore, the sentence “Cream fat and sugar till white and creamy” appears somewhat redundant. Human beings have too much time on their hands in general, have historically had trouble explaining themselves, and are always tinkering and can’t leave well enough alone.

They are mocked by the rest of the Universe for their stupidity so we recommend that travel to Earth be avoided. For all you know they might treat your arrival with hostility and try to shoot you with one of their many shooting things, or worse, capture you and submit you to silly experiments. They will take your photograph and print it in all of their newspapers. They will attempt to feed you Mock Cream, no doubt.

We have raised the issue of more smiting for such things with their gods on a conference call last week and they assured us they were working on something special as retribution for “margarine.” We do not know what margarine is, but it sounds nasty. Meanwhile they said they have moved their proposal for reducing space debris through committee and expect a resolution in twenty years or so.

Please find herewith a nice snapshot of us they sent for tagging approval.

G.E.C. Cookery Book, The General Electric Company., Ltd., 1954

Also from this book: Grantham Biscuits

In Your Face!

 Bukkakacake 

Serves Four.

If the above makes sense to you, you are a Perv and spend far too much time on the internet. ‘Nuff said.

Grand Diplôme Cooking Course, Volume 3, 1971

Also from these books: Sweetbreads Niquette, Your Goose Is Cooked, Vatel’s Haddock Up To Here, Frankfurter Salad