Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Little Drummer Girl

Karen Carpenter and John Bonham Hash It Out: Heaven, 1983

KC:  Hey! Fancy running into you up here!
JB:  Oh, it’s you.
KC:  Why, are you surprised to see me? This is the drum club, right?
JB:  I’m not surprised to see you in the least. Actually I’m shocked it took this long.
KC:  Why is that?
JB:  You looked half-dead in ’75. How much did you weigh back then?
KC:  More than I do now! I was a whopping 91 lbs!
JB:  And you’re what — 5’5”?
KC:  So?
JB:  I never understood how a girl like you could manage to hit a drum and stay on your stool.
KC:  Typical. I can play the drums as well as any man. Are you still mad at me for the Playboy Poll?
JB:  Hell yes. “The Best Rock Drummer of 1975.” You ranked number one? Really? Over me? I just don’t get it.
KC:  I'm a darn good drummer. Don’t be mean.
JB:  Lady, I’m just sayin’. I was such a badass rhythm man I got a nickname. They don’t hand those out at reader’s polls.
KC:  You’re proud of being called “Bonzo”?
JB:  Of course. I’m a beast.
KC:  How come you’re here then?
JB:  God loves drummers, Karen.
KC:  I was taught that suicides don’t get to Heaven.
JB:  I didn’t kill myself.
KC:  40 shots of vodka in one day? Sounds suicidal to me.
JB:  It wasn’t the drinking that killed me; it was the throwing up. Something I heard you did quite a bit of, you hypocrite.
KC:  That’s a nasty rumor. I wasn’t bulimic. I just didn’t eat, is all.
JB:  You mean to tell me you didn’t have a drug of choice?
KC:  Well, if you consider laxatives a drug… besides, I didn’t kill myself either.
JB:  What brought you here then?
KC:  Heart failure.
JB:  Young people don’t get heart failure. What caused it?
KC:  Anorexia.
JB:  There you go.
KC:  Well, that’s what all the doctors said. I didn’t buy it. I was just on a diet.
JB:  Jeez, what kind of diet?
KC:  The Stillman Diet. It’s a rapid weight loss zero-carb regime.
JB:  That’s crazy! How long were you doing that?
KC:  I started it in 1967. It really works, too: you can lose up to 15 lbs a week!
JB:  No shit! And you picked the instrument that burns the most calories!
KC:  Say, you play Ludwigs, right?
JB:  Yep.
KC:  Me too! Let’s put all this aside and be friends. We can jam together.
JB:  I thought this was supposed to be Heaven.
KC:  Oh, go to Hell.

(The Stillman Diet that Karen Carpenter followed contains no carbohydrate and no fiber. Constipation requiring laxatives is a noted side effect. It is only meant for short-term use.)

The Doctor’s Quick Weight Loss Diet, Irwin Maxwell Stillman, MD and Samm Sinclair Baker, 1967

Also from this book: Forgive Me Doctor For I Have Sinned
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