Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Frozen Stiffs

Ma’am? We’re here to deliver your coffins. Where would you like them? One in the kitchen, one in the shed? You got it. Fellas? You hear that? One inside, one out. Ma’am? If you don’t mind me asking, is there an electrical outlet in your shed? You see, the coffin has to be plugged in. You’ll run an extension cord out there? OK then. Excellent purchases, if I must say so myself. The wife keeps all our meat in ours. The price of beef these days! Mostly she puts stuff in, and doesn’t take it out. Usually we just eat takeaways of an evening, like we’ve always done. I like a nice curry or fish and chips, myself, after a long day’s work. It’s nearly full. You have two nice boys, I see. They should freeze nicely. For your convenience, these models can’t be opened from the inside. The chest model even has a lock on it — to prevent thieves from stealing all your frozen food. Terrible problem, that. You never know what you’ll find in a deep freeze. We found a cat in there, once. It had climbed in when the owner went to get some fish filets. I thought it had been an accident, but the fella assured me it wasn’t. They were going to serve it to the in-laws. You can’t really tell when it’s covered in sauce, can you? I should think both of these boys could fit in the one case, you know. It helps to keep a big box of ice cream sandwiches in there. Just be sure you keep the electricity on when you go on holiday. I know people like to save money by turning it off at the mains. Terrible mess. You don’t want that to come home to. Cuppa tea? I’d love one, thanks. Two sugars, loads of milk. Give it a few days — the boys will have all their friends around to take a peek. Just tell them it’s off-limits. You could have enough to last you for years — well into the 1980s at least. Great investment, coffins. Never go hungry again.

(From the introduction: "...if you are little, be careful when you are retrieving something form those depths. It's too easy to end up upside down in the freezer your legs waving in the air!")

Freezer Feast: Cooking For and From the Freezer, Caroline Rennie, 1973
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