Ma’am? We’re here to deliver your coffins. Where would you
like them? One in the kitchen, one in the shed? You got it. Fellas? You hear
that? One inside, one out. Ma’am? If you don’t mind me asking, is there an
electrical outlet in your shed? You see, the coffin has to be plugged in.
You’ll run an extension cord out there? OK then. Excellent purchases, if I must
say so myself. The wife keeps all our meat in ours. The price of beef these
days! Mostly she puts stuff in, and doesn’t take it out. Usually we just eat
takeaways of an evening, like we’ve always done. I like a nice curry or fish
and chips, myself, after a long day’s work. It’s nearly full. You have two nice
boys, I see. They should freeze nicely. For your convenience, these models
can’t be opened from the inside. The chest model even has a lock on it — to
prevent thieves from stealing all your frozen food. Terrible problem, that. You
never know what you’ll find in a deep freeze. We found a cat in there, once. It
had climbed in when the owner went to get some fish filets. I thought it had
been an accident, but the fella assured me it wasn’t. They were going to serve
it to the in-laws. You can’t really tell when it’s covered in sauce, can you? I
should think both of these boys could fit in the one case, you know. It helps
to keep a big box of ice cream sandwiches in there. Just be sure you keep the
electricity on when you go on holiday. I know people like to save money by
turning it off at the mains. Terrible mess. You don’t want that to come home
to. Cuppa tea? I’d love one, thanks. Two sugars, loads of milk. Give it a few
days — the boys will have all their friends around to take a peek. Just tell
them it’s off-limits. You could have enough to last you for years — well into the
1980s at least. Great investment, coffins. Never go hungry again.
Freezer Feast: Cooking
For and From the Freezer, Caroline Rennie, 1973
Also from this book: England's Pleasant Pastures Seen, Spotted Richard
