Karen Carpenter and
John Bonham Hash It Out: Heaven, 1983
KC: Hey! Fancy
running into you up here!
JB: Oh, it’s
you.
KC: Why, are
you surprised to see me? This is the drum club, right?
JB: I’m not
surprised to see you in the least. Actually I’m shocked it took this long.
KC: Why is
that?
JB: You looked
half-dead in ’75. How much did you weigh back then?
KC: More than I
do now! I was a whopping 91 lbs!
JB: And you’re
what — 5’5”?
KC: So?
JB: I never understood how a girl like you
could manage to hit a drum and stay on your stool.
KC: Typical. I can play the drums as well as any man. Are you still mad at me for the Playboy
Poll?
JB: Hell yes. “The Best Rock Drummer of
1975.” You ranked number one? Really? Over me? I just don’t get it.
KC: I'm a darn good drummer. Don’t be mean.
JB: Lady, I’m just sayin’. I was such a
badass rhythm man I got a nickname. They don’t hand those out at reader’s
polls.
KC: You’re
proud of being called “Bonzo”?
JB: Of course.
I’m a beast.
KC: How come
you’re here then?
JB: God loves
drummers, Karen.
KC: I was
taught that suicides don’t get to Heaven.
JB: I didn’t
kill myself.
KC: 40 shots of
vodka in one day? Sounds suicidal to me.
JB: It wasn’t the drinking that killed me;
it was the throwing up. Something I heard you did quite a bit of, you hypocrite.
KC: That’s a
nasty rumor. I wasn’t bulimic. I just didn’t eat, is all.
JB: You mean to
tell me you didn’t have a drug of choice?
KC: Well, if
you consider laxatives a drug… besides, I didn’t kill myself either.
JB: What
brought you here then?
KC: Heart
failure.
JB: Young
people don’t get heart failure. What caused it?
KC: Anorexia.
JB: There you
go.
KC: Well,
that’s what all the doctors said. I didn’t buy it. I was just on a diet.
JB: Jeez, what
kind of diet?
KC: The
Stillman Diet. It’s a rapid weight loss zero-carb regime.
JB: That’s
crazy! How long were you doing that?
KC: I started
it in 1967. It really works, too: you can lose up to 15 lbs a week!
JB: No shit! And you picked the instrument that burns the most calories!
KC: Say, you
play Ludwigs, right?
JB: Yep.
KC: Me too!
Let’s put all this aside and be friends. We can jam together.
JB: I thought
this was supposed to be Heaven.
KC: Oh, go to
Hell.
The Doctor’s Quick
Weight Loss Diet, Irwin Maxwell Stillman, MD and Samm Sinclair Baker, 1967
Also from this book: Forgive Me Doctor For I Have Sinned
Also from this book: Forgive Me Doctor For I Have Sinned
