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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Gold Medal Memories



The worst part about my childhood wasn’t so much the obsession my mother had with my hair — parted one way one day, another way the next — but her slavish dedication to following the recipes found on packets. For some reason she saw recipes printed for free on a wrapper as being more authentic, more of a bargain than recipes from a cookbook. Everything came with a recipe back then, to give housewives ideas, and they were always things that could be made with minimum fuss and bother, and quickly too.

She went through this period of making cakes from recipes found on flour bags. There was this One-Mix cake that required everything to be whipped up in one bowl — it had raisins in it, and this thick gooey frosting. She made one every week. It was dire. She’d cut huge wedges of it with a garden trowel. That thing was dense, and ever now and then you’d bite into a raisin, which isn’t something you want to find in a cake. My brother would pick all of his out, and end up with a pile of crumbs, in the hopes he’d be excused from eating it. I wasn’t so crafty. I ate as much as I could, and always ended up with constipation.

Oh look! You have a photo. I can remember clear as day what I was thinking when that was taken. I won’t be able to move my bowels for a week. You can see from my expression how enthused I was.

Eventually Mother remarried. Patrick’s anorexia was hard on her. It’s rare in boys. I think she’s living out on Long Island now.

Monday, February 6, 2012

The Forme of Cury



The notion that illness can be eased with food as medicine is an ancient one. We have the sayings which marry foods with health such as “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” (which sounds like advice dating back to Eden, but is in fact the invention of apple farmers desperate for a way to preserve their livelihoods after Prohibition made cider-making illegal), and “starve a fever, feed a cold” (which people often confuse for the other way around — a bit of bad advice from the 15th century). But the very words we use for both cooking and medicine come from the same source, and recipes for both food and medicines always used to be found (until very recently) in the same place — cookbooks.

The book compiled in 1390 by “the Chief Master Cooks of King Richard II” and published in 1791, was given the name The Forme of Cury, by its author, Samuel Pegge, which gives us an interesting etymological lynchpin with which to explore this link.

The Latin cura means care. The derivative curare means to take care of. The middle English curen from which we get cure means both to heal and to preserve — which are of course one and the same, as both seek to prolong a state of being. To cure is to fix, and to fix is also to set in place. (It is worth noting that we also use the word fix to mean a problem, as in “a right fix.”) To take the time and effort to cure something then — to fix it — takes care. Care implies both thoughtfulness (as in careful) and an investment (as in to care for or about something).

Pegge’s word cury comes directly from the French cuire — to cook, boil or grill (i.e. the application of heat). It is from this root we get cuisine, and culinary, from the Latin culinarius, meaning pertaining to the kitchen (culina being both kitchen and food). Although the word culinary was in use by the 1630s, 160 years later Pegge chose to use cury, which shows us that the language for the pursuits of the kitchen was still hovering between the middle English and the French — with so few literate people, it was primarily oral terminology, especially when used by cooks. The concept that one could both nourish the body and heal it from same source was very much in place, since the ingredients were often the same.

Nowadays we divorce medicine from food into different realms, though both are variations of chemistry. The vitamins and minerals we take as supplements are to be found in food, and indeed, were understood long before we isolated them to figure out why they worked. Foods rich in vitamin C were widely used to prevent scurvy long before we knew that scurvy was caused by a lack of vitamin C. Penicillin was utilized long before Alexander Fleming discovered it, because people used moldy leather to bandage wounds. Honey is both food an medicine being an antiseptic and antibacterial substance as well as a preservative.

If the words cury and culinary and cuisine remind you of the word curious, it’s because they too come from the same place. In Latin we have curiosus, meaning to be careful, diligent, inquiring and meddlesome — all of which are necessary attitudes to employ when developing recipes and cures. The old French gives us curios, meaning solicitous, anxious, inquisitive, odd and strange. All of these describe someone attempting to diagnose a condition and find a cure for it. A curio is an object of mystery and interest, much like a sick person whom the gods have smitten with an invisible ailment we now know to be a disease. The word curious dates from the 14th century — around the time Richard II was being fed by his master cooks — though by Samuel Pegge’s time in the late 1700s, it had taken on a slightly salacious connotation in that being curious implied wanting to see something forbidden a dangerous and possibly sinful act — after all, curiosity killed the cat. It is no surprise then that in publishing, the word curious is shorthand for erotic or pornographic.

History is littered with people whose curiosity got them in a lot of hot water with the powers that be, for whom accepting things at face value meant stability and the preservation of power. Looking too closely at the stars or into the body meant uncovering the apparatus of life — the province of God. Telescopes and microscopes — made possible by grinding glass to see what was once invisible to the naked eye drew the veil away from the mechanics of things allowing humans to manipulate them instead of leaving it to the cosmos, much like Dorothy coming upon the Wizard of Oz at the controls. Curiosity is what ate at Dorothy, and what cured her. Curiosity is what got Eve into a fix, though the apple has undergone a significant rehabilitation since her story was told as a warning against temptation. 

Glass is made by cooking sand and curing it. It transforms the opaque into the transparent. By cooking, we are able to shed light on ourselves.

The Forme of Cury, Samuel Pegge, 1791





Saturday, February 4, 2012

The Big Squeez



Here at Kraft we dislike the letter C. Normally, the word “craft” is spelled with C, but we spell it with a K instead. We hate C’s so much we dropped it from the word “snak.” There is no logic to our spelling. We just think certain letters are superfluous, that’s all. Take the word “squeeze.” It does not need that final E. Some of you might argue that the word “snak” could be mistaken for “snake,” but that would be plain wrong. We are advertising something that is long and wiggly. OK, that sounds a lot like a snake. We do not recommend you squeeze snakes. That’s dangerous. We’d prefer you squeeze some of our delicious Squeez-A-Snak onto a cracker. Or an egg. Or anything you have lying around. You can squeeze it straight into your mouth if you like, though that might be uncouth. No matter; we don’t judge. What you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. Squeeze all the snakes you like. Go crazy. After all, our motto is “A good time is only as good as its food.” That’s not really true, but it sounds good. Actually, it sounds awful. It makes no sense whatsoever. We had a contest in the office to see who could come up with a motto that used as many O’s as you could squeeze in. This is what won. That should tell you something about the caliber of people we have in the office. Don’t apply for a job here. No-one can spell, there are absurd rules about not using the letter C and they feed you this stuff all day long. I saw a guy squeeze some out onto his pencil and lick it off. I think he was preparing to stab himself with it just to get out of a meeting. He might have been the guy who came up with that motto. Clearly he needs help. Psychological help. Only someone about to fall into the abyss of despair could think that a good time is only as good as its food. What if the food sucks? You could be on a hot date with a pretty woman and eat shitty food, but it would still be a hot date. No-one cares about the food. You could go home and squeeze snakes. Also, why is it called “process cheese spread”? The cheese has been processed. Past tense. There is no such thing as process cheese, at least in grammar. Besides, it’s not real cheese, if you want to know the truth. It’s nothing like cheese. But they have to call it something. It’s more accurate to call it cheez, which you’d think they’d be all over, but no. They let that one slip through. Maybe the pencil guy was off that day. Maybe he was on a mental health break. This whole thing is depressing. No-one needs a chart to figure out what to do with this stuff. It’s in a tube; you cut a hole in one end and squeeze. It’s not difficult to figure out. It’s the thing you buy at the 7-11 when you’re drunk at 4am on your way home to balance the beer. Or maybe after your date, when you’re still starving because the food was so bad. Come to think of it, maybe pencil guy was on to something. He was just telling it like it is. If the ad is anything to go by, you’ll have a really bad time eating this food. You’ll stand there holding a tube of it in your hand in your empty kitchen with your box of crackers and no wife, no kids, no money for a pizza, no hope of ever scoring a hot date, and you’ll think to yourself: I’m a complete failure, I might as well off myself. You’ll think: my career consists of designing charts to show people what they can do with a tube of Squeez-A-Snak because we assume they are so profoundly stupid they can’t figure it out for themselves. You will use goo squeezed out onto a cracker four times on the same page and hope no-one notices that this isn’t four separate ideas just because you use a different shape cracker each time. Your own mother will tear out this ad from the magazine and show all her friends what her son does for a living. They will ask her why he can’t spell, given his expensive college education, and she will say maybe no-one will notice. Someone will point out the thing about the letter C. Next time she calls you she will relay this information and ask if you’ve been on any dates because she’d like grandchildren to spoil before she dies. You consider stabbing yourself in the neck with a pencil. But I digress. What was it you were saying?

Friday, February 3, 2012

Tess and Cowslips



Wessex, 1890

“Amid the oozing fatness and warm ferments of the Froom Vale, at a season when the rush of juices could almost be heard below the hiss of fertilization, it was impossible that the most fanciful love should not grow passionate. The ready bosoms existing there were impregnated by their surroundings.” 

— Steady on, old chap. That’s a bit fruity, isn’t it?

— Well, that’s rather the point.

— I’m not sure readers are ready for that sort of thing.

— It’s only a description of the season.

— “Ready bosoms”?

— Certainly.

— Ready for what, pray tell?

— For nature to infuse them with life.

— Wink wink!

— They are ready to be impregnated by their surroundings, not a man. Really, must you always see the worst?

— Look — I’m only pointing out what your publisher inevitably will. What’s the novel about, anyway?

— It’s a tragedy about a maid struggling against the injustices of life. Her name is Tess. 

— And?

— And in order to replace a dead horse she is raped and bears a child who dies and is then married by a man who leaves her when he finds out, and she is opportuned once again by her rapist whose mistress she becomes before her wayward husband returns, whereupon she murders the father of her dead baby, runs off with the returned husband hoping to escape, but is apprehended and hung for her crime.

— Good Lord, man.

— One day it will be a classic of literature, I am sure of it.

— You, Sir, are off your rocker. This isn’t literature; it’s the worst kind of smut. You will be ridiculed as a purveyor of filth and mocked in the streets as your career circles the drain.

— So be it. How about some cowslip wine?

— Thought you’d never ask. Ah, the noble cowslip. It’ll carpet these English fields as far as the eye can see for generations to come. You mark my words.


Thursday, February 2, 2012

Behold The Versatronic



As a rule, if an appliance is advertised with a promise that help is at hand should anything go wrong, one should assume that something will go wrong. Additionally, if they have to include the word “qualified” when describing the serviceperson who will appear like magic at your door, then you should beware of the hoards of unqualified technicians lurking about waiting to wreak more havoc upon your already broken appliance.

Beware the company which employs fancy technical jargon spotted with a trademark logo in order to impress. The word “Versatronic” is meant to suggest the marriage of versatility with the modernity and automation of electronics. The word’s ugliness is only matched by the color scheme of the product it describes — mustard yellow.

Any cooking appliance which requires you to reach over scalding hot surfaces in order to reach the controls is dangerous. Any stove knob which consists of a smooth slim cylinder is difficult to grasp and turn with greasy hands, and because of their location, they will become greasy themselves and obscured from view completely once the stovetop is laden with cooking pots.

Any company promoting a cooking appliance which suggests you can cook and serve a frozen turkey within 1.5 hours is malevolent and out to kill you and your family.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Brain Cakes



Mrs. Patmore: Daisy, have you washed the brains?

Daisy: Yes, Mrs. Patmore.

Ethel: There’s no way I’m eating Brain Cakes for my supper. What are they having upstairs?

O’Brien: Never you mind.

Branson: They should eat Brain Cakes just like us.

Mrs. Hughes: Well I never!

O’Brien: What’s he doing in here anyway?

Carson: He has as much right to sit at this table as you do. It is wartime. We all have to make adjustments, however painful.

Ethel: I’d rather starve.

O’Brien: It can be arranged. Can’t it Thomas?

Thomas: Perhaps. Fancy a smoke?

O’Brien: Thought you’d never ask.

Daisy: Mrs. Patmore, will eating brains make me cleverer?

Mrs. Patmore: Yes Daisy. Yes it will.


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Seven Year Itch



Juanita: Happy Anniversary!

Lupé: Obrigado!

Juanita: So, what are you planning — anything special?

Lupé: Well, Carlos is taking me out to dinner — something fancy, I think.

Juanita: You should wear that gorgeous black dress.

Lupé: You can count on it. I need all the help I can get these days!

Juanita: What!? Has the bloom worn off so soon?

Lupé: All he wants to do is stay up “working” until I’m asleep. And then… nothing.

Juanita: Oh!

Lupé: It’s the internet porn. Juanita, I can’t compete!

Juanita: Maybe it’s time for drastic measures.

Lupé: What do you mean?

Juanita: Down below.

Lupé: Quê?

Juanita: Some landscaping.

Lupé: Quê?

Juanita: Turn the jungle into a desert.

Lupé: Quê?

Juanita: Raspar todo…

Lupé: A área do biquíni?

Juanita: Sim!

Lupé: A coisa toda?

Juanita: Yes. Trust me. No-one wants shredded coconut between their teeth.


Woman’s Day, December 1969

Monday, January 30, 2012

Take A Deep Breath….



Chloroform has developed a bit of a bad reputation. Where once it was used as an anesthetic to replace ether (at a time when surgery was a bit like butchery), now we associate it with someone being mugged with a chloroform-soaked rag by an antique hoodlum — probably because actual hoodlums did in fact utilize the drug this way.


Those undergoing surgery were probably very thankful for it (it beat taking a big gulp of whiskey and biting down on a cloth), but unaware of the danger they were in if they inhaled a tad too much. A chloroform OD is not called “Sudden Sniffer’s Death” for nothing. It’s also officially listed by the FDA as “possibly carcinogenic to humans.”

It’s been banned in the US since 1976, but one can still find it in cough syrups sold in the UK. What is probably not recommended is this cure for a toothache from the same era in which Queen Victoria was using chloroform to birth her last two children. If you have a hole in your tooth the size of a pea, you should go to the dentist. Even if you are reading this in 1852. 

A Plain Cookery Book for the Working Classes, Charles Elmé Francatelli, 1852


Sunday, January 29, 2012

Spry



At the dawn of the age of the automobile, it was generally thought (if not assumed to be one of the more assuredly obvious fact of physics), that human beings could not tolerate speeds of over 20 miles per hour. The apparatus which made such speeds possible was therefore treated with trepidation.

When paved roads and rubber tires allowed the horseless carriage to exceed this lowly speed, people discovered that survival was possible, and that whizzing around on a noisy engine was quite a lot of fun.

When humans determine that something is intensely pleasurable, they find ways to make it more so. Thus it is that the Shelby Dragonsnake Cobra hit the streets in 1963. It is an opium dream of an automobile. It goes very fast. It is hot pink.


 But what does this have to do with this lady proffering fried foods? you ask.

You have to ask?

Enjoy Good Eating Every Day The Easy Spry Way, Lever Brothers Company, 1940

Also from this book: Complimentary

Friday, January 27, 2012

At Table


My Word!

The terminology associated with eating is confusing. When one dines, it might not be at dinner. When one sups, it might not be supper. It can hardly be called breakfast if all one was doing since the last meal was sleeping. You can lunch on brunch, but you needn’t drink tea at tea. A tea might not be high tea, but it might be supper. Brunch happens before lunch, but shouldn’t be confused with elevenses. Fine dining cannot be had in a diner. Sometimes people order a takeaway that is delivered rather than taken away, and some eat it on the spot. Eating on the run doesn’t mean eating while running. When grabbing a bite, one usually doesn’t grab just a bite. There are other things on the menu at a Chippy besides chips. Pubs serve food, though it isn’t always pub food. Eggs and bacon is always breakfast, no matter what time of day it is eaten. Fast food might have taken ages to prepare, and slow food can be eaten raw. Parking at convenience stores isn’t usually convenient. Actually consuming “all-you-can-eat” in restaurants that advertise thusly is frowned upon should not be taken literally. Do not expect to get “Surf and Turf” when you order it. There is no such thing as an “endless breadstick.” Salad bars feature very little salad. You may not put this in your pipe and smoke it. A snack cake is still just a cake, and frozen desserts may or may not be novelties, though they are sold in the Frozen Novelty aisle. You cannot eat a Donut Hole. You can eat the part of the donut that formed the hole in another donut. Milkshakes are not shaken. Happy meals are often only wishful thinking. 
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