Do not try to bring hummingbirds into Hawaii. They will not
let you. It is strictly prohibited. It is verboten. Not even if it is your
favorite pet hummingbird. No way, no how. A soon as you land in Hawaii, they
throw a lei over your shoulders and search you for contraband hummingbirds. Aloha
my ass for the hummingbirds. Do not hide a hummingbird in your pants. Don’t
even joke about the hummingbirds. Sure, you may find that once you have booked
your passage to Hawaii, you will be inundated with requests from hummingbirds
to secure themselves as stowaways in your baggage, because they, too want to go
on holiday to Hawaii. But do not accept their bribes. If a hummingbird decides
to hide in your baggage, and is discovered, he or she will meet a grisly end.
Hummingbirds are not welcome in Hawaii.
This is because hummingbirds are attracted to bromeliads and
end up pollinating them. But this is great! you say. How convenient! Isn’t
nature wonderful! Surely the world could use more bromeliads! Hang on, what’s a
bromeliad?
Pineapples, for a start. They are the most delicious
bromeliads around. Companies like Dole and Del Monte have invested a lot of
time and money into making sure your pineapple is succulent, sweet, low in
acid, and lasts until it reaches your local supermarket. What ruins pineapples
is seeds. And what makes seeds? Pollination. And what pollinates pineapples?
Hummingbirds. Hence the ban.
Pineapples aren’t even native to Hawaii; they were brought
over from South America and soon found a home in the perfect climate. Hawaii
might very well be associated with the pineapple, but it doesn’t even crack the
top 12 list of nations producing the most pineapples.
It sucks to be a hummingbird.
Here is a picture of a pineapple stuffed with hot sauerkraut
from Germany. Enjoy.
The Cooking of Germany,
Time-Life Books, 1968
