Just Desserts

 

There are many ways to administer medicine to a cat. Sadly, cats have kept this information to themselves. Seeking only to provide care to their beloved pets, humans have suffered long-lasting trauma and the occasional nasty scratch by attempting to force a pill down the reluctant feline’s gullet. By the time success is achieved, the cat is beyond the help that modern medicine can provide, and will die laughing at their bereft owner’s ineptitude.

 

Likewise, it is fiendishly tricky to get a human child to swallow anything they don’t want to. What human children don’t want to eat is exhaustive and fickle, and mostly includes what’s good for them: namely nutritious food. Dinner, for example. Parents the world over, have since the beginning of time approached this dilemma by employing the subterfuge of disguise.

 

What does all of this have to do with the Hamburger Pie, you may ask….

 

Hamburger Pie

The Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library, 1971

 

Salad Daze

 

Child’s Play

Shakespeare’s contributions to the English language are legion; one of these is Cleopatra’s comment upon her romance with Julius Caesar, which she describes as “My salad days, / when I was green in judgment, cold in blood….” Note the repetition of the idea of “green,” meaning raw and innocent, as are nature’s new shoots. She regrets her affair as the naivite of youth, before she knew better. The term “salad days” has come to refer to the carefree time when one could just have an affair with the Emperor, or simply be young and stupid. 

 

This Creamy Fruit Salad is merely stupid. Instructions include tinting the whipped cream pink with food coloring. Why? I can hear the grapes whining in that particularly weary teenagers use when they are embarrassed by their parents, as they attempt an escape over the side of the bowl. They’d like the strawberries to join their rebellion, but the strawberries, still under Mom’s sway, remain posed with a sickly sweet smile, only faintly aware of their complicity in this tragic enactment of the end of culture as we know it. 

 

 

Creamy Fruit Salad, The Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library, 1971

Wheel of Fortune

 

Welcome to Wheel of Fortune! 

 

Pat: Today we have Sandra, who’s from Milwaukee. How are you, Sandra?

Sandra: I’m just dandy, Pat!

Pat: You look like you know your food, Sandra, am I right? 

Sandra: Been eating it all my life, Pat! 

Pat: Sandra, are you ready to play? 

Sandra: I was born ready, Pat! 

Pat: Now, as you know, this special version of the game means you have to correctly name this dish to win the prize, based solely on a picture of the dish. 

Sandra: Gotcha!

Pat: Excellent! OK, Vanna, show us the picture, please. It’s a Hurry Up Main Dish, Sandra! 

Sandra: Oh! I think I know! 

Pat: Already! Wow! I’m impressed!

Sandra: I have four kids and a hungry man, Pat. 

Pat: Say no more! Vanna, will you show us the number of letters in the dish?

 

_{— — — —     — — — —     — — — —}   

 

Sandra: (Spins wheel) I see eggs there, Pat. Is one of the words EGGS?

Pat: Oooh, it’s not! Nice try, Sandra. Spin again!  

Sandra: (Spins wheel) Hmm. So there’s also bacon, and onions, and what looks like chopped peanuts. How about NUTS? 

Pat: Nope! No nuts! 

Sandra: (Spins wheel) There are different textures. One looks like jelly. Oh! I bet one of the words is BOWL!

Pat: Are you sure? That’s a very good guess, wouldn’t you say, Vanna? She’s nodding! But no! It’s not BOWL. Sorry.

Sandra: Well, now I’m stumped, Pat! I’m sure I’ve served this before! I’ll have to buy a clue! 

Pat: The middle word is WITH.

Sandra: Oh. That doesn’t help much. What’s that object in the middle? A kumquat? 

Pat: Why, yes, it’s a kumquat. You sure do know your citrus fruits, Sandra!

Sandra: I’m going to take a wild guess here, Pat. I’m going out on a limb. 

Pat: Any why not? Might as well! 

Sandra: I bet it’s something you need a variety of, like toppings. They look like toppings to me. 

Pat: I think you’re on to something, Sandra!

Sandra: Toppings you’d put on a cracker? That’s a “Hurry up dish!” 

Pat: I see where you’re going with this…. But remember, once you take a guess at the whole name, you have no more chances. Are you sure you want to go for it? 

Sandra: Yes! I’m sure! Is it BITS WITH RITZ?

Pat: …I’m afraid not. I like your style. You were soooo close, wasn’t she, Vanna? 

Vanna: She sure was, Pat.

Pat: Let’s reveal the name for this “Hurry Up Main Dish” Vanna! 

Vanna: (turns letters)

 

TUNA WITH RICE

 

Sandra: What?

Pat: And that concludes today’s game. Thanks for playing, Sandra, you’ve been a great sport. Join us tomorrow, folks, for another game of Wheel of Fortune! 

Tuna With Rice

The Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library, 1971

Portraiture

 

 

In the past, the coolest way to name-check yourself was to subtly paint your reflection in a random object in a portrait. Glass, metal, even pearls — all were glossy enough to serve as mirrors for the artist. Van Eyck and Velázquez were both cheeky lads in this regard, peeking out at the viewer from within complex scenes. But were they inventive enough to use a black olive to accomplish this snappy trick? I think not! 

 

Fast-forward to 1971, and the heyday of food styling fashion that demanded garnishes take center stage, as if the food being portrayed required bling to make it sing. The humble olive took a star turn as a jaunty bauble, its green and red and black globular presence crowning many an otherwise plain Jane dish. Here, they do yeoman’s work of providing compositional scaffolding to create a classic triangle out of a gloopy pink arrangement, much like a tiara on a drunken prom queen. The broccoli bouquet lays at her feet, confused as to its status as chaperone. But it is the black olive, the jewel in the crown, that winks back at us with the photographer’s light reflector, fairly screaming “we’re professionals here!” like the back of the artist’s easel. Meanwhile, the subject, having sat for hours, begins to sag under the lights. “Just a few more shots!” the photographer cries, but the olives stick their tongues out in protest, and the biscuits emit a whispered sigh.

 

Crusty Salmon Shortcakes

The Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library, 1971

The Miracle of Birth

 

Many is the poor husband who, while dutifully supporting his wife’s labor, commits the terrible mistake of taking a quick peek. Perhaps his delirious partner, in her extreme condition, demands to know how much of the baby is out. Perhaps the birth attendant, both used to and enthralled by the relentless exposure to the business end of life invites him to take a look he’ll never forget. Nowadays, the paternal responsibility of cutting the cord pressures the new father into witnessing the carnage of his beloved’s forest glade a few months before its seductive form has been regained. In any case, such scenes can elicit an impolite response: loss of consciousness, immediate regurgitation, an avowal to his god of lifelong celibacy, or the utterance of deeply regrettable profanity. Let’s face it: the sight of a mammal emerging from another mammal’s nether regions is not for the faint of heart. 

 

And it’s not just something one may stumble across in the odd intimacy of one’s birthing suite; footage of animals giving birth, both wild and domestic, is everywhere on the internet for all to see: one minute you’re scrolling past memes, and the next a sheep / goat / horse / cow / elephant / wildebeest  is being pushed wetly, hoof-first, from its mother shamelessly on camera for all the world to see. It’s not the facts of life; it’s a fact of life. Like the Scouts say, be prepared. 

 

And it’s not just an assault from the animal kingdom one has to be prepared to view: the vegetable world has joined the fray too. Witness here the trials of the lowly, yet noble onion, as she delivers a slick new version of herself onto the dinner table. Note the gentle, yet firm encouragement provided by the chef/doula’s gloved hands, while her sister onion patiently awaits her turn on the plate. 

 

Do not turn away from the miracle of life, dear reader: do not avert your gaze, for it is a tale as old as time. One onion begets another, and so it goes on, layer after glistening layer. 

 

Vegetables Roasted in Coals

The Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library 1971