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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Three Courses (Of Course)



— Derek, Yo — pour me a cold one, yeah?

Hey Bro! How’s it hanging?

— Not bad, not bad. Say — d’you remember that really odd-shaped object that landed in my backyard a few years ago?

Sure. Why?

— Well, you know how it came with that golden record attached?

Yeah. Man, was that weird.

— We had to search for ages to find a record player to listen to that damn thing. And for what? A bunch of people saying hello? And some classical music? And some godawful squeaking.

The stuff by that Chuck Berry dude was OK. I could have listened to that a second time. “Go, go go Johnny Go.” Good stuff, that.

— I would have preferred a bit of classic rock, myself. But that’s just me.

Did you ever figure out what all those engravings were?

— Nope. And then there was that plaque on the side of that object with those nudie drawings.

They weren’t very good. You could see his pecker, but she didn’t have any bits at all.

— Yeah, that was odd. Normally, you know, you give that area a bit more detail. Like you see on the wall of the men’s room. Not that I’ve ever looked.

Yeah, right.

— Who does that though? Who leaves that bit out? It doesn’t make any sense.

So what’s your point, Jim-Bob? I haven’t got all day.

— You’ll never guess.

Try me.

— It happened again: went out this morning and there was another of those wretched smoking heaps of metal in my damn driveway.

No way!

— Seriously. Someone’s messing with me, and I’d like to know who.

Who’d do that? What if they’re coming from outer space? Like some alien race was sending them out as messages, you know, like the way you do with a bottle?

— And landing at my house? Yeah, Derek, that’s plausible. Pour me another, will you?

You never know; just sayin’.

— This one has another diagram on it, and for the life of me I can’t figure it out.

Let’s see. Toss it over here.

— Go on. Tell me if that makes any sense.

WTF? What’s that supposed to be? What’s that big black blob?

— Haven’t the first clue.

Is it a — blimey, I have no idea. A ransom note maybe? A treasure map? Did it come with another LP?

— No. Somebody’s taking the mickey, though, right? Pulling my leg?

Maybe it’s a woman thing. Let’s ask Doris. Oi! Doris!

— What? I’m busy.

Jim-Bob here has something he wants you to take a look at.

— If you think I’m falling for that one again, you’re mistaken.

— No, really, come over here. See if you can make head nor tail of this.

Are you two buffoons kidding me. You can’t figure this out? And I suppose this “dropped from the sky” again, did it, Jim-Bob?

— Yeah!

— Try turning it the other way up, knuckleheads.

— Oh. Yeah. Right. Huh.

Happy Living! A Guidebook for Brides, American Bride Publications, 1965

Also from this book: A Connubial BreakfastCreamed Eggs In A Corned Beef CrustAll For One And One For All!

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