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Monday, November 19, 2012

The Versatile Turkey




— Oi, Fred.

— What?

— Where are you going for Thanksgiving?

— Church, I think. Let me check: yep, Church.

— But it’s Thanksgiving, not Christmas. This is America.

— Ah — no mate. I’m not going to church; I’m off to the Church’s. They’re expecting a big crowd.

— Oh! The Church’s. You should have said that to begin with.

— I did. Where are you off to?

— No idea.

— That’s too bad. You don’t have any family you could be with?

— Chance would be a fine thing.

— No need to take that attitude….

— No — I meant I wouldn’t mind going to the Chance’s. I’ve heard they put on a good spread.

— That they do.

— Do you ever dream about going to the White House? I always used to wonder if I’d get to do that. Must be nice.

— Tell me about it.

— But then there’s always wondering what to do with yourself the next day, isn’t there? Do you just sit around or what? It must be a bit lonely, I’ve always thought.

— You’ve got a good point there. Come to think of it, I’m rather glad to be with the Church’s. She’s a cookbook author, you know.

— Seriously?

— Absolutely. Next best thing isn’t it? Going to a chef’s house?

— Got to be. But what if you end up with Tomato Slush? Or Mashed Rutabagas? Or Pink Grapefruit and Avocado Salad with Radish Chips?

— Surely not? At a chef’s house? That’s a fate worse than death!

— I kid you not.

— You’re making me think twice about this whole thing.

— Too late now, mate. They’re counting on you.

— Damn.

— How much do you weigh, anyway?

— 16 lbs, give or take. It’s all that corn I’ve been eating lately.

— That’s what — 14 lbs or so, dressed, right?

— I should think so, yes.

— Well, that’s perfect. Your fate is sealed. Feeds six, they say.

— I should hope so. You aim to feed six at least.

— It’s that or the dreaded Turkey Curry.

— Please don’t go there. You’re bring me down.

— Hey! I was only —

— Get stuffed!

— Get stuffed yourself, wattle-face!


Pennywise Party Perfect Dinners, The Good Cooking School, Inc., 1975

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