Human Flesh

“Preserving food has been a problem for man from the earliest times. If he lived in the arctic, he could freeze it. If he lived in the desert, he could dry it. And if he lived near the ocean, he could pickle it in salt water. Otherwise, he ate as much food as he could before it spoiled.”

This helpful glimpse into human affairs appears in the introduction to Better Homes and Gardens’ Home Canning Cook Book. In 1973 they didn’t care about piffling things like historical accuracy, and preferred to employ such vague terms as “earliest times” to denote specific periods of technological development. Evidently, preserving food was not a problem for man before the earliest times, since he was asleep, and his wife was already up slaving away over a hot fire stewing mammoth bones for breakfast.

One of Franklin's tins

In later times, sealing food in tins made extended trips in ships possible, though it had its drawbacks. In 1845, for example, Sir John Franklin embarked on his final attempt to find the fabled Northwest Passage. He took 8,000 tins of food that was ordered from provisioner Stephen Goldner just seven weeks before the voyage. It was a rush job. The lead soldering them shut was "thick and sloppily done, and dripped like melted candle wax down the inside surface.”

No-one survived. Lead poisoning compounded with scurvy finished off those not eaten by their starving crewmates. How do we know this? Permafrost is a wonderful medium for preserving human corpses and relics.

Interestingly (a fact conveniently suppressed from the history books), Franklin’s shipwrecked men were taken in by the local Inuit, who tried to feed them these individual shepherd’s pies topped with “a mound of instant potatoes and a cheese triangle,” but they insisted on devouring each other instead. The length to which  men will go to to avoid causing offense to a well-meaning but inept hostess is impressive.

The lesson here? If you want to live to enjoy the future times, avoid canned foods and stick to fresh fruits and veg. Also, if you are reduced to dining on your companions, eat as much of them as you can before they spoil.

Home Canning Cook Book, Better Homes and Gardens, 1973

Double Dipping

— Here we are again. This always happens. Who’s going to go first this time?

— Not me.

— Me neither.

— Hey – where’s Dominic?

— Oh, he had to stay home to work on some really important papers.

— But he’s a welder. What papers could be possibly be working on?

— You know, important ones.

— Well, I think he’s just making any excuse not to join us for our weekly fondue party.

— Surely not!

— We all made an effort to be here. It’s the least he could do.

— Maybe it was the hot curried salad from last time. It didn’t agree with him.

— It didn’t agree with any of us, but we still forced it down.

— At least I’ve dunked mine.

— Go ahead and eat it then.

— I’ll wait for you guys, then we can all taste it together.

— Dominic had the right idea, if you ask me.

— That’s not nice! If you’re going to be like that, then we shan’t continue with our fondues, which will be such a shame since we bought all of this fondue equipment.

— OK: everyone, on the count of three . . .

Hershey’s Chocolate and Cocoa Cookbook, Ideals Publishing Corp., 1982

See also: The Joy of Fondue

Also from this book: Theobroma

Confetti Meatball Supper

The term confetti comes to us via the tradition of tossing sugared almonds at couples on their wedding day so that they may be fruitful. Being pelted with hard sweets isn’t much fun, however, and rice (which was also used for the same purpose) tends to get all swollen and rotten when exposed to moisture. Colored paper shapes are thankfully used instead — what we today consider confetti. It is not just limited to weddings either, since no-one gets married nowadays, so it is thrown at any festive occasion.

One assumes that the association with colorful fragments denoting joy is what allows any dish featuring a sprinkle of color in the form of chopped vegetables to be called a Confetti. The joy, sadly, is missing from this particular dish, though the caption strongly suggests the arrangement gives it “eye appeal.”

Note how the recipe for this delicious-looking Confetti Meatball Supper does not feature an ingredients list. This is because the ingredients are:

1 can condensed Cheddar Cheese soup

¼ cup ketchup

1 teaspoon minced onion

1 teaspoon Worcestershire Sauce

1 cans Meatballs in Gravy

Package precooked rice

1 can mixed vegetables

2 tablespoons canned pimento

¼ teaspoon salt

Some things are worth noting here, and it’s not that this involves mostly things that come out of cans or bottles. What does one do with the rest of the onion after you only dice a slice of it?

Please note the recipe for what can only be the bastard child of take-out cuisine: an Indian Pizza. This Frankenmeal is achieved through the clever addition of curry powder to a pizza. It’s neither Italian nor Indian: it’s just horrid.

After Work Cook Book, Better Homes and Gardens, 1974

Jell-O and Onions

Opposites attract, so they say. What would naughty be if not for a bit of nice? So it is with flavors; just the right touch of acid can provide a welcome tang to a bland dish — hence Sweet and Savory.

It appears the culinary geniuses at Jell-O followed this principal when inventing this doozy: Three Pepper Salad. Why eat peppers and onions by themselves as nature intended when you can enhance their piquancy with Lemon Jelly? If there’s anything one always hankers for in a bowl of Jell-O, it’s green onions and the faint addition of non-stick cooking spray.

The recipe they provide makes 10 servings, so even the most reticent need not go without.

There’s Always Room For Sugar Free Jell-O, Publications International, Ltd., 1992

Also from this book: Knock Knock

It's A Green, Green, Green, Green World

It’s  Green, Green, Green, Green World

(The Brassica Song)


By: the hardest-working vegetable in the kitchen

This is a green world, this is a green world

But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing without some cauliflower or kale

You see, greens make the vitamins to keep us on the right road

Greens make the fiber to carry heavy loads

Greens make carotenoids so we can see in the dark

Greens make the selenium, and lutein for our hearts

This is a green’s, a green's, a green's world

But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing without a broccoli rabe

Green thinks about little baby collards and baby brussels sprouts

Green makes us happy 'cause green strikes cancer out

And after green has made everything, everything it can

You know that green makes them taste good with a little bit of ham

This is a green world

But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing without a cabbage or a kohlrabi floret

We’re lost in the wilderness

We’re lost in bitterness

Encyclopedia of Cooking, Vol. 3, Better Homes and Gardens, 1970

Also from this book: Teddy Bear’s Picnic, Seafoam Cantaloupe Pie, Cooking By Encyclopedia

Bullshit, or, Baked Bologna Jubilee

Some cities lend their names to truly great foods; Peking Duck, London Broil, Philly Cheese steaks, Buffalo Wings, Belgian Waffles, Hamburgers, Bismarcks, Boston Baked Beans, Boston Cream Pie, Chicken Kiev, Dijon Mustard, Eggs Florentine, and Salisbury Steak, to name a few.

The ancient Italian city of Bologne has given us two: Bolognase Sauce, without which no toddler will have been able to smear their face with spaghetti, and the ignoble Bologna, a fat sausage made from a paste of animal parts that has such a poor reputation its name has transformed into the slang word “baloney,” literally meaning something incredible: not believable — bullshit.

Example: Bologna is home to the oldest university in the world, founded in 1088. “What a load of baloney,” you say. But it’s true. Copernicus went there. Like many a student, he probably survived on pizza and bologna sandwiches and cheap beer — brain food. Actually, bologna is made out of brains, so that’s why he did so well at completely reinventing astronomy and basically kicking off the Renaissance and stuff. (Nerds, take note.)

Family Circle, that evil organization hell-bent on destroying America from the inside out by turning our insides out, gives us this recipe for bologna that pairs it inexplicably with bananas, oranges and olives. Studding the poor thing with cloves as if it were a delectable ham on the bone only magnifies the depths to which this once proud local delicacy has fallen.

The caption helpfully notes that “bologna is available in single pieces as well as slices.” In case you didn’t know.

Family Circle Casserole Cookbook, Rockville House Publishers, 1972

Also from this book: Wikiwiki Ham Bake

Mockery

Few foodstuffs are more simple than cream; all you need is a cow. OK, a lactating cow. And a pail. And a stool.

But because human beings like to make things complicated, they have tried to re-invent cream, which will displease their gods for the gods like to think that everything they make is perfect.

Thus it is that human beings get smited by lightning and rabid dogs and typhoons and such. In order to guard against these punishments, the humans pray no-one will see them making such monstrosities as Mock Cream in their kitchens. We also do not know what “short weight” is: aren’t these things standardized? Furthermore, the sentence “Cream fat and sugar till white and creamy” appears somewhat redundant. Human beings have too much time on their hands in general, have historically had trouble explaining themselves, and are always tinkering and can’t leave well enough alone.

They are mocked by the rest of the Universe for their stupidity so we recommend that travel to Earth be avoided. For all you know they might treat your arrival with hostility and try to shoot you with one of their many shooting things, or worse, capture you and submit you to silly experiments. They will take your photograph and print it in all of their newspapers. They will attempt to feed you Mock Cream, no doubt.

We have raised the issue of more smiting for such things with their gods on a conference call last week and they assured us they were working on something special as retribution for “margarine.” We do not know what margarine is, but it sounds nasty. Meanwhile they said they have moved their proposal for reducing space debris through committee and expect a resolution in twenty years or so.

Please find herewith a nice snapshot of us they sent for tagging approval.

G.E.C. Cookery Book, The General Electric Company., Ltd., 1954

Also from this book: Grantham Biscuits

Raw Meat

Best served with tankards of foamy beer and a few sprigs of watercress. 

Guests like it that way. 

They always say so at other people’s houses. 

“She’s keeping true to her Tartar nature,” they say. 

“She’s a direct descendant of Genghis Khan,” they say. 

“Well, she’s got great ta-tas,” they say. 

“You know, I also noticed that,” they say. 

“I’d rather chew on those,” they say. 

“Another few pints and she might let you,” they say. 

“Really?” they say. 

“So the rumor goes,” they say. 

“Great in the bedroom, rubbish in the kitchen,” they say. 

“No kidding,” they say. 

“Like all Plains people, she’s an excellent rider,” they say with a wink. 

“Likes her meat,” they say with another wink. 

“I’m trying to think of something witty to say with the word bleu in it but I’m coming up short,” they say. 

“I think you just did,” they say. 

“Everyone’s a descendant of Genghis Khan nowadays” they say. 

“It ain’t nothing special.”

Fondue On The Menu, Western Publishing Company, Inc., 1971

Also from this book: The Joy of Fondue

Garbage

"Here Beginnethe A Boke of Kokery . . . "

This makes no sense until you remember that garbage is a term that comes from the seemingly useless remains of a butchered carcass. Folks were poor back in 1450 so your average housewife had to make delicious soups from the scraps one might otherwise throw away.

In case you can’t read the old English too well, here is a translation.

Chicken Soup

Clean the leftover chicken parts (heads, skin, feet, liver, gizzard). Cook in a big pot with beef broth, pepper, cinnamon, cloves, mace, and finely chopped parsley and sage. Soak some bread in the broth, press it through a strainer, and add to the soup, letting it come back to the boil. Add ginger, grape juice, salt, and a little saffron. Serve.

Grape juice was added as a necessary acid. Sometimes sour apple was used instead. Today we use lemon juice, but citrus fruit would not have been readily available. The pepper would be black pepper, since Columbus had not yet breached the New World. Hence it is a cookbook devoid of the solanaceae family (potatoes, tomatoes, aubergines, tobacco). The thickener here is strained bread rather than potato starch. The profusion of strong spices would have gone a long way to mask the flavor. 

Chances are these spices came to England via the Venetians just as the Byzantine Empire was falling apart at the hands of the Ottomans. The chicken fell apart at the hands of just as determined a force: a hungry woman.

Harleian Manuscript 4016, c. 1450

Balls

Hubert, your mother tells me some of the boys were picking on you after school today, is that true? Let me give you a little advice, son. Fight back. Scare the living bejeesus out of them so it doesn’t happen again. This sort of thing happens to me at work all the time — guys who think they can poach my sales and get my promotion. This is what I do to them: I rip off their balls. Yes, I reach in and just yank them right out of their sacks and line ‘em all up on a skewer like this and I eat them for dinner. That’s the only way to handle these low-lifes. And once I’ve got ‘em all on there I swing this thing like a golf club and usually there’s blood everywhere and people are screaming, but I don’t care, I’m THE MAN and you can bet your sweet bippy none of them messes with me again.

Just don’t tell your mother. She thinks they’re onions.

*  *  *  *  

Hello there, son! What’s up? Mom sent you out here to learn how to barbecue? Well, come a little closer and let me show you. See this? It’s a giant skewer. You use it to cook whole onions — you just push them on. It takes a good while, and you have to stand here basting them with juice from this red pot for hours and hours. But the most important thing about barbecuing is being properly attired. These, for instance, are my special barbecue slacks. I wear them with a matching brown short and this handsome yellow V-neck. Never wear black shoes with brown pants — that’s a fashion faux-pas — so team them with brown loafers. These match my belt. Whatever you do, don’t be a pussy and wear an apron. No self-respecting man should be seen in a pinafore. I think that about covers it.

 *  *  *  *  

Boy! Come here. I need you to hold this a minute while I go fetch me a drink. Between you and me, this whole outdoor oven thing we paid top dollar for isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. For one thing, there’s nowhere to sit. And this time of day, there’s no shade either. What I’d like to be doing is watching the game with an ice-cold beer. You’re too young to appreciate that. Look! It’s like I’ve got five baseballs on my bat at the same time! Here comes the pitch . . . good. Now just hold that over the coals. I’ll be back out in a couple hours.

Barbecue Book, Better Homes and Gardens, 1956

Also from this book: For Whom The Corndog Rises