Friday, March 16, 2012

What A Load Of Bull

In August of 2011, an interstate ramp just outside Nashville was closed because a Greyhound bus had accidentally disgorged three canisters containing bull semen packed in liquid nitrogen onto the highway, where they lay gently smoldering, emitting a “foul odor.” The bus driver had no idea that some of his cargo had fallen by the wayside, which should increase your confidence in traveling by Greyhound.

The precious load, as it were, was worth at least $80,000, and would have made its journey from Columbus OH to Laredo TX unremarked had it not been for this unfortunate incident. Because the canisters cannot be flown, they have to travel on land, and apparently going by Greyhound is the most expedient way to send them.

While the canisters continued on their journey, newspaper editors enjoyed the most amusing headline meetings of their careers covering this story. Load Prematurely Ejaculated Off I-65 etc.

A sneak glimpse into the world of artificial insemination is illuminating not simply for the mechanics, but for the vocabulary of the trade. Bull semen is sold by the straw, and you can order them online as you would any other commodity, by selecting the sire by name. Oh, and what names!

Here’s a list of current Beefmaster bulls handled by Bovine Elite, LLC:

Black Desperado
Black Diamond
Bullet Proof
French Connection
Delta Force
El Dorado
L Bar
Levi’s Ladd
Top Gun

Here’s a picture of Bullet Proof. He’s probably not bullet proof, but he is a handsome hunk of steak. A straw of his semen (perhaps with which to make this lovely recipe for Bull Shot Soup) will set you back a cool $100.

And you thought truffle oil was expensive.

The Golfer’s Cookbook, Rose Elder, 1977

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