Dear Residents of No. 33:
Several of your neighbors have reported that there is a large tuft of cotton wool protruding from your chimney. Please note that this constitutes a severe fire hazard because cotton wool is highly flammable. Should you forget that there is a giant ball of cotton wool stuck in your chimney, and you light a fire, this will result in a highly traumatic event for your house. Additionally, chances are high that tufts of burning cotton wool would float away from your chimney and settle on your neighbor’s houses, setting them on fire too.
It occurs to us that you may have pushed the cotton wool into your chimney to provide a soft landing place for Santa. We feel it is our responsibility to inform you that Santa does not, in fact, exist. This is a myth perpetuated for the enjoyment of children.
We also respectfully request that you remove the peppermint candies from your front path, as the United States Postal Service has complained about sticky feet.
Please know that we do not mean to be “party poopers” and only wish the best for your family this holiday season. That being said, if the cotton wool is not removed by the end of the day, we shall be forced to remove it ourselves, at great cost to yourselves, and risk arrest.
Your Fire Department
All Holiday Menus, Barbara Grunes, Ideals Publishing Corp., 1984