Saturday, December 3, 2011

Animal Crackers

It came to pass that one day God noticed that nothing at all was being done. The crops lay in the fields unharvested; the beasts wandered free; the laundry lay in enormous stinking heaps. Everyone was playing World of Warcraft Call of Duty II. God said this won’t do, and decided to kill every living thing on the planet as punishment.

A goodly man named Noah pointed out that this wasn’t exactly fair, so God said good point, and amended his plan to destroy everything except Noah and his family, none of whom had World of Warcraft Call of Duty II because their X-Box was busted. Noah thanked the Lord, but said what about Fido? because he didn’t want his innocent beloved pet to perish.

God saw that Noah was thinking ahead and realized he needed to up his game and stop making such rash decisions. Therefore he instructed Noah to build an ark and to load onto it himself, his family, his dog Fido, a pair of every living creature, both clean and unclean, and enough food to last them a really really long time while he wiped out all life on earth.

Noah wondered how large he had to build this Ark, so asked God for instructions. God rolled his eyes and chided Noah for not being very inventive and said thou shall build the Ark out of graham crackers for strength. Thou shall cover it with chocolate to keep the water out, and use fondant to seal the joints. Noah jotted all this down. God continued, thou shall make thy Ark six inches long and four inches tall. Noah stopped writing and looked up, concern furrowing his brow. What the? he beseeched his Maker. But God was no longer there. Hello? Noah called out to the heavens. God said I’m busy — Glee’s on. Figure it out already. Noah sighed. Quietly.

And so it came to pass that Noah forsook all the living creatures, both clean and unclean that roamed the earth, and used animal crackers instead.

And thus the stormclouds gathered and it rained for months on end nonstop and Fido ate all the animal crackers. And this is the story of how people who play World of Warcraft Call of Duty II were obliterated in favor of people who watch Glee.

Chocolate Fantasies, Verne Ricketts, 1985

Also from this book: Chocolate Hot Tub, Chocolate Hanukah, Chocolate Nativity, MoonPie, A Chocolate Tragedy

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