Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Little Drummer Girl

Karen Carpenter and John Bonham Hash It Out: Heaven, 1983

KC:  Hey! Fancy running into you up here!
JB:  Oh, it’s you.
KC:  Why, are you surprised to see me? This is the drum club, right?
JB:  I’m not surprised to see you in the least. Actually I’m shocked it took this long.
KC:  Why is that?
JB:  You looked half-dead in ’75. How much did you weigh back then?
KC:  More than I do now! I was a whopping 91 lbs!
JB:  And you’re what — 5’5”?
KC:  So?
JB:  I never understood how a girl like you could manage to hit a drum and stay on your stool.
KC:  Typical. I can play the drums as well as any man. Are you still mad at me for the Playboy Poll?
JB:  Hell yes. “The Best Rock Drummer of 1975.” You ranked number one? Really? Over me? I just don’t get it.
KC:  I'm a darn good drummer. Don’t be mean.
JB:  Lady, I’m just sayin’. I was such a badass rhythm man I got a nickname. They don’t hand those out at reader’s polls.
KC:  You’re proud of being called “Bonzo”?
JB:  Of course. I’m a beast.
KC:  How come you’re here then?
JB:  God loves drummers, Karen.
KC:  I was taught that suicides don’t get to Heaven.
JB:  I didn’t kill myself.
KC:  40 shots of vodka in one day? Sounds suicidal to me.
JB:  It wasn’t the drinking that killed me; it was the throwing up. Something I heard you did quite a bit of, you hypocrite.
KC:  That’s a nasty rumor. I wasn’t bulimic. I just didn’t eat, is all.
JB:  You mean to tell me you didn’t have a drug of choice?
KC:  Well, if you consider laxatives a drug… besides, I didn’t kill myself either.
JB:  What brought you here then?
KC:  Heart failure.
JB:  Young people don’t get heart failure. What caused it?
KC:  Anorexia.
JB:  There you go.
KC:  Well, that’s what all the doctors said. I didn’t buy it. I was just on a diet.
JB:  Jeez, what kind of diet?
KC:  The Stillman Diet. It’s a rapid weight loss zero-carb regime.
JB:  That’s crazy! How long were you doing that?
KC:  I started it in 1967. It really works, too: you can lose up to 15 lbs a week!
JB:  No shit! And you picked the instrument that burns the most calories!
KC:  Say, you play Ludwigs, right?
JB:  Yep.
KC:  Me too! Let’s put all this aside and be friends. We can jam together.
JB:  I thought this was supposed to be Heaven.
KC:  Oh, go to Hell.

(The Stillman Diet that Karen Carpenter followed contains no carbohydrate and no fiber. Constipation requiring laxatives is a noted side effect. It is only meant for short-term use.)

The Doctor’s Quick Weight Loss Diet, Irwin Maxwell Stillman, MD and Samm Sinclair Baker, 1967

Also from this book: Forgive Me Doctor For I Have Sinned


  1. I owe my health to this diet, my figure and my self esteem, I used alternately with other diets suggested the same book, aware of the results of their shortcomings and what a body needs, but it was the best diet all I had in many years, whenever I need to lose weight, this is my favorite,

    I love the music of Carpenter's Bros, but I think Karen Carpenter was suffering from anorexia, do not put the blame on a diet, each of us know what our body does not get well as eating routine.

  2. I'm sure the diet was useful for many people. Karen Carpenter was on this diet, and it did contribute to her death. I love her music too - she was a great talent. At Yuckylicious, we parody most things that make claims about what to eat or not to eat, and some of the books we select are well-respected classics.


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