Saturday, September 3, 2011

Cherry Pork Chops of Doom

Dear Husbands:

If your wife serves you this dish, take it as proof she is having an affair. How can you be so sure? you say. She always appears to be home and fully clothed.

Here’s how:

For a start, look at the recipe. This is a dish designed to take as little time to prepare as possible, then cooks slowly for “4 to 5 hours.” Even for pork this is excessive. Imagine, if you will, what she could be doing all that time! It’s plenty long enough for her to drive across town wearing nothing but a raincoat and heels to do it with her secret lover every which way but Sunday AND cook him dinner too.

Has your doctor told you to take it easy with the bad fats and sugar? Do you suffer from hypertension and have your trousers been growing tight of late around the waist? This meal is sure to help speed you along to an early grave with its meat cooked in rendered fat and concentrated sugar syrupy sweet sauce. If nothing else you’re going to suffer in the bathroom from a lack of roughage as that sprig of parsley is the only source of dietary fiber here. And how easy would it be for her to mistakenly put in too much mace? What's the harm? you say. Every heard of pepper spray? That's made of mace. A mace is also the name for an ancient spiked weapon sure to produce extreme death if swung from behind a corner by a crazy man who has been sleeping with your wife. Coincidence? We think not. 

Next, note how it is served — on pewter (which only appears in medieval horror novels as a suitable substitute for actual china) complete with a menacing branch of obviously poisonous berries. Where on earth did she get that stuff? Probably from her boyfriend who must surely be a huge Dungeons and Dragons fan, what with the mace and everything. There is no cutlery: does she expect you to eat with your hands like an animal? The candles are being blown by a draft that must come from a slightly cracked window though which a rifle could at this very minute be pointed at your head by the man who is cuckolding you.

Furthermore, her choice of a deep brown heavy twill tablecloth has been cleverly selected for its ability to soak up blood from a terrible head wound “accident” without rising too much suspicion from the dry cleaner.

Finally, would your good wife, if she truly loved you, serve you something so patently dangerous and repulsive? The answer, my friend is no.

Does your wife look happy, rested and content? Does she give you an extra wide smile when you come home? Does she tell you she loves you every day? Then for the love of God run, Man, run like your life depended on it.

Crockery Cooker Cook Book, Better Homes and Gardens, 1976

Also from this book: Devil's Food Pudding
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