Thursday, February 2, 2012

Behold The Versatronic

As a rule, if an appliance is advertised with a promise that help is at hand should anything go wrong, one should assume that something will go wrong. Additionally, if they have to include the word “qualified” when describing the serviceperson who will appear like magic at your door, then you should beware of the hoards of unqualified technicians lurking about waiting to wreak more havoc upon your already broken appliance.

Beware the company which employs fancy technical jargon spotted with a trademark logo in order to impress. The word “Versatronic” is meant to suggest the marriage of versatility with the modernity and automation of electronics. The word’s ugliness is only matched by the color scheme of the product it describes — mustard yellow.

Any cooking appliance which requires you to reach over scalding hot surfaces in order to reach the controls is dangerous. Any stove knob which consists of a smooth slim cylinder is difficult to grasp and turn with greasy hands, and because of their location, they will become greasy themselves and obscured from view completely once the stovetop is laden with cooking pots.

Any company promoting a cooking appliance which suggests you can cook and serve a frozen turkey within 1.5 hours is malevolent and out to kill you and your family.

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