Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Death Becomes You

Hello and welcome. You're the Ptomaine poisoning group I see. Very unpleasant. Sorry about that. Horrid way to go. I know you are tired from your exhausting ordeal, so let me be brief. Allow me to introduce the team who will be seeing you through the next few weeks. I know, they’re a rough-looking bunch, but they’re very gentle, really. That’s right, let’s give them a hand. Right then.

First you’ll be meeting the Mortis brothers. That’s Pallor Mortis — the pale one. Step forward, Pallor, so they can see you. Great.

Next, his twin Alor Mortis. You might find him a bit cold, but that’s just his personality. And no, no matter how much small talk you make, he won’t warm up.

You’ve probably heard of Rigor Mortis — he’s a right stiff! Again, don’t hope he’ll loosen up, so don’t even try. Right dourful he is. And inflexible.

Livor Mortis is a colorful chap, though tends to be a bit blue at times. It’s because he’s always settling for things — or in things. They all work pretty quickly, so you won’t get to know them all that well.

You’ll be spending far more time with the next lot.

Putrefaction looks like a thug but inside he’s a big mush. He’ll soften you up in no time. Bit smelly though, so hold your nose if you can. I mean while you can.

Once he’s done with you Decomposition will take over. His chit-chat will leave you in pieces! Seriously, you’ll fall apart listening to him go on and on.

The last guy you’ll meet is Skeletonization, which is a grand name for such a bag of bones! Where is he? I can’t see him. Oh, well, he must be knocking about somewhere.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, that’s us. We can’t wait to get to know you better. We take great pride in our work, but it can’t be rushed. It’ll seem like an eternity, but it isn’t.

That comes after.

Rumsford Book on Household Management, Hannah Wing

Also from this book: That's Hysterical
Pin It