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Sunday, July 10, 2011

Sausage Breakfast Bake with Crisco


 Call 911! There’s been a terrible accident! Some poor woman’s fingers were severed during the preparation of this delicious-looking Sausage Breakfast Bake. There they are embedded in the cake. Looks like the misfortune happened as she was pouring the batter and they’ve browned nicely in the oven. I don’t know about you, but nothing gives me a hearty appetite for breakfast like cake slathered in blood.

Oh — wait — it’s not blood; it’s Apple Maple Syrup. This healthy concoction is made thusly:

In a saucepan combine sugar and cornstarch; stir in the syrup reserved from a can of apple slices and cook until thick and bubbly. Stir in butter and maple syrup.

This glorious breakfast tableau comes from Crisco’s Favorite Family Foods Cookbook. This is not a joke. Such a book exists. The main aim is to incorporate as much Crisco shortening into ordinary foods as possible.

Crisco is the type of lard that long-distance swimmers use to slather themselves in to prevent hypothermia (and aid in glide?) when attempting feats of endurance that kill lesser humans, like crossing the English Channel (death by P & O Ferry) or swimming from Cuba to the US (death by shark or Coast Guard). It is not the sort of thing one readily admits to actually ingesting.

This breakfast menu would have you using Crisco in the Sausage Bake and the Sunburst Coffee Cake. The book as a whole would have you slip it into everything you can think of and many things you couldn’t. If you are really lucky, you might actually get through the entire book without having a heart attack (unlikely).

A note on crockery: plates and dishes with inner serrations like the one in this picture are a bitch to clean up. We won’t mention the baked eggs.

Crisco presents Favorite Family Foods, The Procter & Gamble Company, 1973

Also from this book: They Serve Coke at Parties, Don't They?, An Eye For An Eye

4 comments:

  1. Well, yeah, it's vile, but Crisco isn't a type of lard -- the whole point of it, actually, is that it precisely is NOT lard and has no animal products in it (and is kosher -- in its early days it was marketed heavily to Jewish housewives).

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  2. Good point! It's interesting to note how the two terms have become interchangeable.

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  3. I nearly wet myself over the fingers and the blood. Too funny. I thought it looked like dog turds.

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  4. HAHAHA! Hysterical! I agree...I also thought they were bits of dog turd!!

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