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Thursday, February 23, 2012

A Sticky Situation



— Audrey, what on earth…

— What’s the matter, Hugh?

— This sauce — it’s — it’s got a funny texture.

— That’s how it’s supposed to be.

— Surely not, though, darling.

— I followed the recipe to the letter.

— What’s in it?

— A quarter pound of mozzarella and one and a quarter pounds of Elmers.

— Elmers?

— Yes. Elmers. You know, the school glue. The white stuff that dries transparent.

— Well, that explains it! But Audrey, glue? Really?

— It says it’s non-toxic on the bottle.

— That’s hardly the point.

— Are you sure that’s what the recipe said? I find it very hard to believe.

— I had Cindy read it out to me while I was cooking. I had so much to do.

— But Cindy’s only six. And she has a lisp. Perhaps you ought to go fetch the book so we can see.

* * * * * * * 

— Oh dear. I’m terribly afraid you’re right! It says “teleme,” not “Elmers.” I’ve never heard of teleme, have you?

— No.

— At least we caught it before the guests arrived. I say, Audrey?

— Yes, Hugh?

— If we leave these clams open won’t birds swoop down to grab them?

— I shouldn’t think so. Besides — they were open when I bought them. The man said it would save me a lot of hassle trying to do it later. They were dead cheap too! A real bargain.

Hors d’Oeuvres, Lane Publishing Co., 1976

Also from this book: Eggs, Cheesy Nuts

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