Thursday, January 12, 2012

Stop Clowning Around

 Do clowns ever stop being weirdly decorated middle-aged men in stupid clothing who appear at birthday parties to perform sad acts of trickery for crying children, like some bad acid trip made flesh and blood, in order to demonstrate in the most visceral way possible the awful toll that years of hallucinatory drugs have on your brain cells, and start being simply terrifying?

Why must parents encourage their offspring to enjoy the attention of adults dressed up in furry outfits (Santa, the Easter Bunny, Mascots, Chuck E. Cheese, Disney Characters, Sesame Street Puppets, Clowns)? Doesn’t it just inculcate a knee-jerk response to laugh and point at people who look “different”? Isn’t the thought of a giant talking rodent inherently revolting? Why are clown’s hats so very very small while their shoes are so very very big?

It is with these considerations in mind that we now turn to this birthday cake featuring the troubling antics of three drunken clowns, two of which are sliding off the cake in an intoxicated stupor, while the other nurses his hangover leaning up against some blocks which spell out the word “UG.” Perhaps the clowns have fallen off the cake and are trying to climb back up. Perhaps they seek to rescue their fallen comrade before he vomits blood all over his lap. Oh, wait, he’s already done that.

One can only hope that Ug, whoever he is, will not suffer permanent mental scars from this portrayal of the degeneracy of contemporary life in frosting with which his parents have used to celebrate his life.

Easy Cake Decorating Cookbook, Mildred Brand, 1980

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