Thursday, January 19, 2012

That's Hysterical

When confronting a hysterical woman, one may try the following courses of action to prompt her to regain her natural poise:

·      If the hysterical woman is physically able, guide her to a chaise-longue and place a hot water bottle at her feet. If available, also provide several copies of popular magazines such as People, Martha Stewart LIVING, and Soap Opera Digest and a glass of Coca-Cola with a straw.

·      Suggest, calmly but firmly, that she go treat herself to something nice, and hand her $50 and the car keys. If she deems $50 an insufficient amount with which to go shopping, hand her another. Keep doing so until she leaves. Keep $500 on hand for such emergencies, and make sure you have updated the insurance on the vehicle.

·      Draw her a bath. Say “Look — I’ve drawn you a nice bath.” If she looks reluctant to take the bath, put a rubber duck in it. Say “Look — a rubber duck!”

·      Hand the hysterical woman a vibrator and leave the room. This cure has long been known to be effective. Keep a vibrator on hand for such emergencies.

·      Compliment the hysterical woman on her appearance despite evidence to the contrary by asking if she got a haircut, note that she’s lost weight, and telling her those jeans make her ass look great. Make sure she is actually wearing jeans. If not, substitute jeans for whatever it is she is wearing. If what she is wearing can’t be determined, simply say “your ass looks great.”

·      If all else fails, shove a glass of ammonia under her nose. Be sure to do this only when someone else can be employed to stand behind to catch her when she falls down.

Some techniques have proven ineffective over the years in treating this volatile condition. They include:

·      Stating the obvious to the hysterical woman by saying “you’re hysterical. Calm down.”

·      An exaggeratedly theatrical open-handed slap to the face, first on one cheek, then the other, accompanied by the phrase “Pull yourself together, woman!” This only works in the movies.

·      Downplaying her pique by referring to her underwear thusly: “Don’t get your knickers in a twist.”

·      Playing Def Leppard’s album Hysteria. She will resent your attempt at sarcasm.

·      Ignoring the underlying cause of the woman’s angst by asking what’s for dinner.

    Rumford Book on Home Management, Hannah Wing

    Also from this book: Death Becomes You

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