Location: Pearly Gates
Date: Today
St. Peter: Hello. Thank you for your patience. This won’t take long. Just a few questions, things to clear up, that sort of thing.
Chef: Sure.
St. Peter: OK, good. I see it says here that you are responsible for this dish that appeared in a recipe pamphlet some years ago.
Chef: Ah, yes, that would have been me.
St. Peter: Bananas Take A Bow
Chef: Yep, that’s the one.
St. Peter: You are aware, are you not, that bananas cannot bow?
Chef: Right, right. They can’t. I was being funny. Look: on the cover — they’re dancing. Bananas can’t dance either. It was a joke. I’m sorry.
St. Peter: That’s OK, I was just playing with you. Jerking your chain. Get you to loosen up a little. You look nervous. Dancing bananas are funny. I always found people slipping on banana skins to be hilarious. Cracks me up every time.
Chef: Ha ha.
St. Peter: You can do better than that, man.
Chef: HA HA!
St. Peter: That’s more like it.
Chef: If that’s all then…
St. Peter: Ah, no, it isn’t. There’s just one more thing.
Chef: Oh, OK.
St. Peter: You have a recipe in here for something called a Banana Salmon Salad.
Chef: I believe I do, yes.
St. Peter: Are you out of your f*cking mind?
Chef: What?
St. Peter: Bananas and Salmon? Are you serious? And pickles? And pineapple?
Chef: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
St. Peter: People never cease to amaze me.
Chef: Bananas had been rationed for so long after the war . . . . Once the markets opened up we were encouraged to put them in everything to bump sales. It was banana-this, banana-that. Yes, we have no bananas was a thing of the past. The original filling in Twinkies wasn’t vanilla crème; it was banana.
St. Peter: Yes, I remember that. Much nicer, in my opinion.
Chef: Right, so —
St. Peter: Look: I hate to break it to you but this is a disqualifying act. I can’t let you in. No can do. Rule #743: Thou shalt not insult God by mixing the fruits of His labors in an unnatural manner.
Chef: Thewhatnow?
St. Peter: You heard me.
Chef: But —
St. Peter: Bananas come from hot climes. Salmon from cold. The two aren’t supposed to mix. God, in His wisdom, put them miles and miles apart so things like this wouldn’t happen.
Chef: But people do it all the time. It’s called fusion cooking.
St. Peter: Con-fusion, more like. We’re working on that. We sent someone down to put an end to it.
Chef: Who?
St. Peter: Some guy named Gordon Ramsey. He runs Hell’s Kitchen. We poached him. Gets the job done, but his methods leave a lot to be desired.
Chef: Bloody hell!
St. Peter: Yes, I was going to suggest you try there next. Sorry mate. Rules is rules. Next!
Bananas Take a Bow, The Meloripe Fruit Company
